Austrian Bunker Kids Can't Wait To 'Get Cracking'

Funny story written by Monkey Woods

Tuesday, 29 April 2008


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So annoying, aren't they?

The Austrian children at the centre of the Bunker Scandal have said in a statement, that they can't wait to be unleashed into the outside world, and to discover all the wonderful things it has to offer.

Being kept in a cellar since birth isn't much fun, and, despite their grandfather's best efforts to keep them amused, Snakes 'N' Ladders, colouring books, a Rubik's Cube and nursery rhyme singing can become tiresome after a while.

Now though, the children, aged between 5 and 19, are looking forward to enjoying everything the 21st Century can throw at them. One of the children, Karsten, 7, said:

"I want to wear lipstick. And to go out to nightclubs with boys."

Her elder brother Johann, who is now 12, laughed:

"It's good to be out. I want to smoke and to drink and to go to football matches, and to kick people's heads in!"

The limited ability of the children to comprehend the full weight of what has happened to them, and what their futures might hold, is understandable, bearing in mind none of them has ever seen daylight, or even a TV. The present day can be quite an eyeopener for someone who has lived in one room all their life.

The eldest of the freed captives, though, Liselotte, 19, obviously has a handle on things, as she told reporters:

"Hand me a mobile. I need some crack!"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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