NEW YORK, NY - Nerds and S & M enthusiasts gathered in New York to collectively protest the monstrous actions of a depraved Austrian man, and at the same time hopefully salvage the once good reputation of their beloved dungeons.
"I was shocked and appalled to hear of the horrific crimes that took place in that Austrian cellar, and my condolences go out to the victims of those atrocities," said a leather-masked individual who wishes to be referred to only as the Prince of Pain. "But I beg the press to stop referring to that hellish cellar as a dungeon, thereby soiling the good reputation of our own dungeons. Dungeons are not places of torture and torment, but merely gathering places for like-minded individuals who wish to enjoy the pleasures of flogging or being flogged."
Nerds and dorks are fearful that the events of Amstetten could give fans of fantasy role-playing games like Dungeons and Dragons another bad name, in addition to the ones such as 'knob-goblin' and 'dwarf-tosser' that are constantly shouted at them.
"I would like to echo the sentiments of the Prince of Pain and send my condolences to the victims of this tragedy," said Alevendyl, a half-elf fighter-thief. "And please remember that even though I may be the Dungeon Master, I am in no way like that evil Austrian man. I don't torture anyone, I just decide the storyline for the game. So please, no more hate-mail.
"Ever since this story broke it's not only been the high school football players who are giving me wedgies and throwing eggs at my house, it's their parents too."