20 Year Old Dressed As Lizard Killed By Conspiracy Theorist

Funny story written by Andersdenker

Sunday, 13 April 2008

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USA - A 20 year old student from Germany has been brutally killed by an American conspiracy theorist from Kentucky (USA) for dressing up as a lizard in order to scare the man.

The incident has left local police puzzled: When Julian Everts, a young German from the state of Lower Saxony, booked a flight from Frankfurt (GER) to Frankfort (USA) to break into 53 year old Don Von Helton's home in Kentucky, he wasn't aware of the danger this would pose.

Everts, who had met Von Helton on the internet, was amused by the thought of dressing up as a lizard to scare Von Helton in his home at night, so he went ahead and bought a costume on the 9th of April.

He then booked a flight so that he could travel all the way to the United States to sneak into the man's house in Frankfort, Kentucky at night.

When his flight arrived at Frankfort airport at shortly after 4 PM local time on the 10th, he was unaware of the unfortunate fact that Don Von Helton's beliefs about lizards aren't of ordinary nature.

Von Helton is a firm believer in the conspiracy theory which presumes that reptilians from other planets landed on Earth many millenia ago to build a secret society under the Earth's crust, forging plans to take over the world one day. He believes that the time of their conquest is near, and he claims to have seen one of those reptilians in the form of a demon at night.

"You see", he said in an interview with German newspaper Altpapier, "I didn't even believe that they existed. But a few years ago I thought I should try and find out whether those 'crazy conspiracy theories' actually had any factual basis.

"So I waited until it was dark outside and drew a huge pentagram on the floor, upon which I set up a few candles that I lit. Then I put on a song by Black Sabbath and said three magic words, which I daren't repeat at this moment.

"And, well, there he was: A red-eyed demon started materialising right in the middle of the circle of candles. For some reason I got angry with him for appearing in my house without asking me for permission first, so I opened my Bible and spoke the Lord's Prayer to teach him a lesson. He was gone within an instant, but the shocking memory of this moment will remain with me forever."

When asked whether he had ever been diagnosed as delusional, Von Helton quit the interview.

His strong conviction - plus the belief that the alien lizards like to eat humans - has motivated the man to aquire more and more means of defense against these evil creatures from underneath the Earth's crust over the years.

His home is fortified with movement sensitive guns and IEDs, as well as a huge statue of Jesus Christ to frighten the godless reptilians.

Julian Everts got off his flight and spent the night between April 10th and 11th at a hotel near Von Helton's home, and at about 11 PM on April 11th he managed to bypass the house's security system and break into the living room.

Von Helton however spotted him on his way in and, instead of calling the police or trying to physically overwhelm Everts, grabbed a large knife from the counter in his kitchen and snuck up to the German in disguise, stabbing him in the back multiple times.

The situation got even more out of hand as he heard Everts cry out in pain and interpreted the noise as a secret signal to other reptilians - a sort of emergency call. The frightened man slit the fake lizard's throat and proceeded to shoot him several times with both a colt and a machine gun.

Don Von Helton has since fully admitted everything he did that night and has described his actions in detail, maintaining that he had a right to do what he did.

The courts will most likely disagree.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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