Corpus Christi, Texas (IPP) - The upcoming eclipse of February 20th clearly signals the end of times according to both religious and scientific sources.
People are being advised to get their affairs in order even though no one is really sure that will be of any use when the end arrives on February 20th, 2008 at 10:33 PM EST.
Television news organizations everywhere are sending out their satellite truck crews in order to try to get a scoop on the end-of-the world events as they unfold. Some New York stations sent their satellite trucks to Las Vegas. Las Vegas folks thought this was presumptuous and insulting and are sending their TV crews to New York in retaliation.
Scientists at the International Astronomical Union (IAU) have sent a telegraph to the Vatican asking if this means just the end of the Earth or will there be other planets and assorted astronomical bodies affected by the impending expiration of reality as we currently know it. Astronomy Professor and Space Lawyer, Dr. Povenmire Finootch, has presented a legal argument that Pluto's recent demotion by the IAU from the status of planet to mere Large Member of the Oort Cloud exempts it from end-of-the-world jurisdiction. Dr. Finootch had a hard time calling the IAU meeting to order over all of the hubbub and commotion occuring amidst the normally quiet and attentive crowd. Dr. Finootch finally got their attention by pounding on the podium with a shoe.
Some lawyers and politicians took note of questions asked by the IAU and are asking if this end-of-the world thing has jurisdiction over people who refuse to recognize established religious dogma and if the affects of doom will affect foreign members of the solar system and the rest of the galaxy or even the universe as well as light, energy, and matter.
Philosophers want to know if the physical world will end or will it be the spiritual world or a combination of the two ? Another question pertains to time and it was asked if a person's watch is slow will his world end a little bit later than a person who's watch runs fast ?
Some folks are repenting of their sins while others want to get a few final acts of degenerate behavior behind them and have promised to repent at the last moment.
In North Carolina people are making final adjustments to their bomb shelters during the evening hours and are going about their business during daylight hours as if nothing out of the ordinary was happening.
Members of the Executive, Legislative, and Judicial Branch have been issued gas masks, positive pressure hazmat suits, and maps showing them how to get to underground bunkers available only to them and women of reproductive age and viability and not the rest of the population.
Further evidence that the end times are nigh: Mothers everywhere are warning their children to wear clean underwear, the Giants won the Super Bowl, and the fact that new episodes of television shows like "24" and "Desperate Houswives" have been halted and perhaps more alarming the disapperance of Lou Stroud of "Survivor Man" and Bear Grylss of "Man Vs Wild".
