Written by Conservatire

Wednesday, 23 January 2008

image for Human Extinction Delayed 6 Months; Greener Living Slightly Rescues Mankind
We're all screwed, just a little later.

ACADEMIA, Calif. - Today, the Center to Obtain Grant Money by Perpetually Studying Global Warming, or COGMPSGW for short, released better than expected news. The COGMPSGW report shows a six month delay in global warming, thanks to greener habits.

"This is great news," said scientist Earl Eagrave. "Instead of us all being killed in 20 years by the consequences of our CO2 emissions - we will be killed in 20 years and six months."

The report also included suggestions to keep us on the greener path. Here are some excerpts:

We want people to feel just guilty enough to help in an insignificant way, but not so much they make real sacrifices that would actually prevent our extinction. We'll pass the buck on that to big corporations and president Bush. That way, when we drown in an unstoppable ocean, it will be Bush's fault.

We're not recommending you be consistent by moving out in the woods - that would be too inconvenient - but there are ways of changing very little while blaming your energy usage on someone else.

Here are some tips for displacing green guilt:

  • Unplug your cell phone charger, microwave, DVD player, and PC when you're not using them. It will save the energy needed to display the time or a blinking light. After five years of that, you'll save the amount of energy it takes to run your air conditioner for one hour!
  • Stitch your own roadkill skin shopping bags. There's no guilt knowing the animal was dead anyway. You'll use eighteen times the petroleum driving to the store than it takes to make a few plastic bags, but saving that nineteenth makes you feel good.
  • Get a hybrid. That way when you see that giant smog making truck that delivers your groceries to the store you can pretend it's all his fault and you have nothing to do with it.
  • Encourage your friends to carpool. Hopefully you can convince a few of them to conserve so you don't have to be inconvenienced.
  • Switch to ethanol fuel in your car. Ethanol could never support the nation's fuel demand if everyone used it, but if you do you can blame foreign oil dependence on someone else.
  • Use an electric lawnmower. It doesn't save energy; it just uses a different kind but then you can blame it on some big evil power plant! Unless you electrocute yourself by mowing over the power cord, but think of all the energy you'll save by not being alive!
  • Install compact florescent bulbs instead of regular incandescent ones. The energy you save won't even come close to what your fridge, air conditioner, or dryer uses but living green is about feeling good - not significant change.

by Walt Urnative
Atrociated Press.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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