Word leaked out of Cuba on Friday that Fidel Castro will make his State of the Dictatorship address as soon as his shipment of Depends diapers arrives from the United States.
The Cuban leader has been too weak to speak in public recently, but has gained enough strength to sit up in a wheelchair. Now, if he can keep from wetting his pants, he'll reiterate the fruits of Communism to his destitute island nation.
He told confidantes that if he had a setback during his monologue, and was unable to give his customary four-hour harangue, he might just text everyone. Those in his inner circle delicately reminded Castro that none of the peasants he claims elected him El Presidente can read, much less afford a cellphone or extra features like text messaging.
"What about cable TV?" Castro said. "They got that?"
"Not really," one official said. "You always said, Comrade Fidel, keeping the people oppressed and illiterate was essential to good leadership. And if I must say so myself, you went above and beyond."
Castro reportedly smiled and nodded.
Important government lackeys who were privy to State of the Dictatorship details confirmed that defections were at record-high levels, as were black market purchases, betrayals and snitches, arrests, interrogations and jailings, cases of HIV, gonorrhea and suicide, and general bellyaching.
"These are not good times, so Comrade Fidel will sanitize the address for us and raise our spirits with lies," one insider said. "He will stress baseball, boxing and sugar cane production, which are all going great guns, and the vibrant sex trade. Don't forget, we are a world leader in transporting kidnapped children to perverts, many in our own humble land."
One Castro advisor said that Cuba's youth is rejecting Communism in favor of Get-Me-the-Fuck-Out-of-Here-ism. Graffiti written on the sides of ramshackle huts and plowshares has gotten nastier over time, and the government fears an all-out rebellion from the next generation of uneducated migrant workers and layabouts.
"The culture of American greed has somehow infected our children," the advisor said. "Many of them do not appreciate the glory of working their fingers to the bone for the state and getting, essentially, nothing in return.
"We are a collective and no one rises above ... uh, hold on a second will you? It's my Blackberry. Gotta take this call."