A spokesperson for the CDC (Centres for Devastating Contagion), Atlanta Ga. US of A., said today that they have successfully treated 15 victims of the disease which has rocked Britain since May 2007. FMS (falling member syndrome) has not been widely reported in the UK, mainly because the press thought it referred to drunken Parliamentarians, which would not really be news. FMS affects only males, and gives a whole new meaning to "getting legless".
The first symptoms of FMS are usually the loss of an arm or leg, although reports of male genital loss are becoming more frequent. It is said that the disease is difficult to diagnose until a second limb falls off. Initially doctors thought females were also affected but realised that their tits were not falling off, it was just time and gravity at work. FMS is rarely fatal unless the victim's head falls off, in which case mortality is almost 100%.
FMS escaped from an Essex laboratory where it was accidentally created when a gene modification experiment went wrong. Researchers were attempting to graft the gene n7Pm8 which protects the joints against arthritis, onto the odourifera putridiasa bacteria, which is one of the most widely spread bacteria in humans, and as far as is known has only one interaction: it makes your sweat smelly. After sampling an especially good batch of lab whiskey, a technician misread instructions and grafted gene n8Pm7, the one which makes baby teeth fall out.
CDC has been treating patients with gene modification therapy, injecting them with crab genes to enable regrowth of lost members. They are hopeful that further research will lead to the growth of human limbs and not crab limbs as at present. One patient who has had the treatment, Mr. Barry Snood from Bristol, says "It's better than no arms at all, but you have to be real careful when you scratch your bollocks."
The treatment team reports some problems administering the treatments, "You have to be pretty darn quick, otherwise the patients scuttle off sideways and hide under the furniture."
A spokesman for The 5R Society (Radical Right Republican Religious Ratbags) said the disease was sent by GOD to "stop all the solo fornicators."
