Widespread Lost Cat Problem Points to Vast Feline-Kidnapping Ring

Funny story written by SpaceElevator

Sunday, 23 December 2007

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Morris -- last seen 29 Feb 1999 (the 'Year of the Cat')

Gato, Mexico (Cat Fancy Staff Reporter) - Everyone has seen the futile handwritten sign hanging on a signpost: Lost Cat... Orange & White... Answers to 'Sweetpea'... If found, please call (202) 456-1111...

However, if you felt that something fishy was definitely going on with the large number of missing cat notices in your neighborhood -- your suspicions were just confirmed.

The International Criminal Police Organization (INTERPOL) has alerted its member countries to the existence of a multinational theft ring that specifically targets domestic house cats. With headquarters believed to be situated somewhere in the mountainous tribal areas located between New Hampshire and Maine, the theft ring is estimated to have trafficked nearly 500 million cats since its inception in late-1999.

Under condition of anonymity, Lead Special Investigator Rusty Clouseau had this to say: "We previously had information detailing the 'what', the 'where', the 'why', the 'how', the 'when' and the 'who' -- but never the 'whom', the 'whose' or the 'whence'. Now we are so close to cracking the case wide open. I can practically smell the catspray! Cat thieves, beware."

While it is not likely that the one-million-or-so "cat owners"* whose pets were previously abducted will ever be reunited with their companions, law enforcement officials do hope to use the lessons that they have learned from this case to help prevent future cat abductions before they ever take place.

(*Note: The term "cat owner" is used loosely. After all, most cats would survive with or without us.)

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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