In a follow-up to fellow TheSpoof.com writer - Con Chapman's article on India seeking US help in routing out monkeys that have occupied government buildings, comes word of a new Indo-US deal.
As America plans a troop pull-out from Iraq, its human soldiers will be replaced by 'natural ally' India's contribution of menacing simian troops.
A spokesman for India's Ministry of External Affairs said:
"Throughout Indian mythology, monkeys have proven themselves to be stalwart warriors. Ancient Hindu records tell of the brave monkey brigade helping Lord Rama rescue his captive wife Sita from the demon-king Ravana. In that battle monkeys built the shoal bridge that connects India to Sri Lanka. They were such excellent engineers that the bridge is standing, even to this day.
"In fact, just between you and me and the gatepost, our monkeys have been patrolling the Line of Control between Pakistan and India for the past 10 months and there has been no militant infiltration during that period of time.
"Besides, monkey troops are cheap. You don't have to pay them wages, provide medical help or even feed them. They eat what they kill."
The spokesman added that "all our Indian monkeys can solve above-average algebraic equations; handle minute equipment; write simple computer programs; fix software problems and are "absolutely fearless in battle. In a crunch they can even rustle up a mouth-watering butter chicken meal from scratch".
He also revealed that the Indian Army has just completed - OPERATION MACACA - a training plan in quick tactical warfare involving langur and macaque troops.
"If you think Planet of the Apes was awesome, wait till you see our 'boys' in battle!!" he concluded with a huge grin.
The First Macaca regiment of 100 monkeys is set to leave for Iraq next week. Extremely disciplined; experienced in guerilla tactics, the simian soldiers will serve as suicide-bombers infiltrating insurgent hide-outs as well as manning small weapons and burying IEDs in enemy territory.
A second troop of F-16 langur pilots, commanded by their fearless squadron leader Darwin "Ape" Lincoln will arrive in Baghdad in early January 2008.
Prez George Bush couldn't contain his pleasure at the successful deal. White House spokesperson Dana Perino glowed as she told reporters, "Not since the mangoes for nukes deal with India has our country come out on top. This is only the final step to winning the War on Terror".
Copyright 2007 shea lo
