It was announced today by the World Federation of Sports (WFS) that sprinters, particularly those of world class rankings, are increasing speeds at incredible rates.
Paul Tutors of the federation said "Fifty years ago the world record for the 100 meter dash for men was about 10.8 seconds, and now is down to 9.5 seconds. That means that within just a few years geologically speaking, man will approach the speed of light." Tutors continued by saying "within three million years, if man continues at this rate, a man will run the hundred meters in .0000000000001 of a second."
Some scientists are a bit skeptical about this revelation from the WFS. Jacob Weintraub of MIT said of the latest prediction from the sports federation "It will be nearly impossible for humans to run anywhere near that speed, even if they are allowed to use steroids."
But, Tutors was adamant in his prediction. He said "Other considerations are not taken into account, such as athletes will be about 75 feet tall, and weigh nearly 1800 pounds with only about four percent body fat." He also indicated that athletes will be swimming at the speed of sound, high jumping astronomical distances such as to the moon which is about 275 thousand miles.
When President Bush was informed of this prediction he said "Just another super successful accomplishment of my administration."
He pledged 30 trillion dollars in an attempt to speed up the process by saying "If we can preaccelerate this warp type factor speed for our troops before I leave office we can end the Iraq war, and I am probonofacto ordering my people to make this come to fruitition."
When the President's press secretary was asked for comment she simply said "We are all over it, it's doable."