Gypsy Mozzarella Pavement Pizza Artist To The Star

Funny story written by Bob Muppet

Thursday, 5 July 2001

image for Gypsy Mozzarella Pavement Pizza Artist To The Star
This is not yet a "Pavement Pizza"

Soon to be on the lips of all, is "Gypsy Mozzarella, pavement pizza artist to the stars!"

In these frenzied times, even the most hardened professional needs reassurance that the future is going to be fantastic.

Traditionally, people have sought comfort from palmistry, astrology, tarot cards, clairvoyants and even tea leaf readings!

These noble sciences which have served us so well in the past, have now been eclipsed by the work of the fabulous Gypsy Mozzarella, "Pavement Pizza Artist to the Stars". In a world exclusive interview, the celebrated mystic gives a rare insight into her work and methods.

"You are what you eat!" the gifted gypsy explained. "Unlike other forms of fortune telling, which rely on sources external to the human body, for example phrenology, palmistry and astrology, my method uses the forces that come from deep within the body. In short, I have formed a totally new branch of fortune telling, which I have named 'Vomitology' or as I prefer to describe it, Pavement Pizza Artistry"

"People often ask me how it is possible to interpret the mixture of undigested food", the gypsy stated. "The answer is that my Romany background enables me to see secret messages in the pavement pizzas, - I see pictures and have visions of the future".

Whatever the source of the mystic's powers, the proof of her success lies in the array of testaments from her satisfied, celebrity, clientele .Her palatial consultancy on the promenade at Knot End , on the stunning Fylde coast , is covered in photographs of the rich and famous. There are the familiar faces of stars of today and of yesteryear and most endearing of all are the Polaroid snaps of the pavement pizzas that they had given to the gypsy for analysis!

When pressed for her favourite consultation, Mozzarella was undecided as to whether it was royalty or celebrity. "I well remember Noel and his charming brother. They provided a very delicate 'pizza' -you know, it was all finely chopped up smoked salmon, asparagus, truffles and pink champagne. The moment I looked at it I knew these lads were destined for stardom! All I could see was some sort of magnificent building. Friends later told me that my vision was of their massive hit 'Wonderwall'

"But to be honest," she confessed, "I have a real soft spot for the grandest old royal in the kingdom, who gave a very magnificent specimen for a reading. One finds it hard to describe the quality of the pizza - all sort of chunky lumps of battered cod, chips, and mushy peas all floating in an ocean of Newcastle Brown!

When I peered into her specimen I could clearly make out the three digits 100. Uncannily, I subsequently read in the newspaper that a certain royal lady had reached the glorious age of 100 - I must admit that on seeing this, even I was staggered by my mystic powers!"

So the next time you leave the restaurant and deposit the contents of your over- indulgence on the pavement, take a Polaroid of the 'pizza', because you never know, your future might be staring you right in the face!

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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