"This is your last chance to turn around" -Bush

Funny story written by Thom Gallagher

Friday, 12 March 2004

image for "This is your last chance to turn around" -Bush
Bush was so happy at his military's succes in Canada that he began hugging people.


As British naval and landing forces made their way across the Atlantic Ocean yesterday to assist Canada, George Bush remained defiant and threatening. "I'm warning you and your country, Tony [Blair]," he said in a phone call to Great Britian's prime minister. "This is your last chance to turn those ships around. I'm not kidding. Not at all. Do not go any further."

Bush did not explain what he would do if the British continued sending their counter-invasion forces.

Tony Blair was resolved. "Bush will threaten all he wants. He knows that his country's military is massive, but he is using it as a deterrent. We will land in Canada and assist the war effort."

Other allies of Canada have decided to help, including Cuba. Fidel Castro made a speech in front of an emergency United Nations meeting last night. The emergency meeting was the sixth in seven days. "Canada has been a valued friend for many years. Cuba has decided to step in and help fight," Castro said. "We cannot wait to act. Canada will be lost if we do not. The Americans must not be allowed to continue their invasion."

Castro did not make any references to what he would be contributing to the war effort in Canada. In addition, Bush did not respond to any of Castro's comments after they were released to the American government.

Kofi Annan, the United Nations Secretary General, also made a speech at the emergency meeting. "The world is appalled at such a huge change in American foreign policy. Canada is a peaceful, honorable country, and declaring war on them is declaring war on the world. I call upon every leader of every country to look now at what they can do to stop this American atrocity."

Most countries have stayed quiet since the start of the American invasion of Canada, but several have come forth offering military assistance, including France, Germany, Poland, Norway, Venezuela, Brazil, Costa Rica, Malaysia, Australia, New Zealand, both North and South Korea, and Japan. Most of these countries have plans to send military aid within the next week.

"We don't have much of a relationship with Canada," said Brazil's President Luis Inacio Lula da Silva. "I think I speak for all of the world when I say this: we must stop America before it gets worse, because we are all next."

Bush could not help but respond to da Silva. "You need to understand that the only reason you will be attacked is if you resist us. We aren't out to get you. This isn't personal. We just want the planet's resources and to take control of your government. All of you need to understand that your lives won't really be affected by American control. We don't wish to affect it. In fact, we have plans to make it better. Once we have control of the world, you won't even notice that we're there."

Donald Rumsfeld commented briefly when reporters asked him about sudden policy changes. "Not many people would understand if I explained the whole picture," said Rumsfeld. "The Bush Administration has, for several years, been hiding under a disguise of stupidity. Nobody really believed in us because of it, and when they were all busy complaining about the government, we were sitting here developing strategies and technologies that you have never dreamed of."

When asked what ‘technologies' Rumsfeld was referring to, he said "oops… did I say that? You never heard that."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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