Stockholm, Sweden --- Swedish researchers have just discovered that breathing can cause cancer. This brings the list of things that cause cancer up to 1,234,567.
"It just confirms the suspicions we had all along. Breathing is hazardous to your health." Swedish Nobel-prize winning doctor, Ugo Igolaffatyousen, said in heavily-accented English.
"He sort of sounds like the Swedish chef, you know the one from the Muppets." A reporter who wishes to remain nameless but who isn't writing this article, that's for sure, said.
Unfortunately, this new information causes a bigger problem. Currently, breathing is the one thing that is necessary to maintain good health.
It is a double-edged sword. Breathe and you could die someday. Don't breathe, you will die today.
The world is waiting with, forgive the pun, baited breath, for the follow up studies which are being conducted in the Republic of Namibia and in Tanzania. Until then, people are told to hold their breath for as long as they can.
Experts advise citizens to breathe only when necessary and to get expensive tests to test the toxicity of their breath.