Written by The WB

Monday, 16 February 2004

image for Taiwan's President Opens Door for Unification, Getting Hung By Toenails
Taiwan president Shui-Bian and opposition leader Lien Chan demonstrate pressure Chinese troops will use to burst their eyeballs.

TAIPEI -- Taiwan's president Chen Shui-bian does not rule out the possibility that the breakaway republic may eventually reunify with China, known for arresting and torturing dissidents such as the president of a breakaway republic.

The governments of Taipei and Beijing split after a civil war ended in 1949 and China sees Taiwan as a wayward island province that must be recovered -- by force if necessary, and, by extension, by disemboweling its president and putting his head on a pike.

"Currently, there are two separate, independent countries across the Taiwan Strait, neither of which has jurisdiction over the other," the usually staunchly pro-independence Chen said. "But who knows if these two separate countries might, over time, become one great nation sharing in the traditional and typical of Chinese glonous history and cultual? We do not exclude any possibilities for the future," Chen said. "Of course, if we don't voluntarily, my future will likely involve safety pins in my nipples and being dunked in vats of acid when stormtroopers from the People's Republic overtake our government buildings, but either way my children will know the joy of a reunited Chinese nation. Provided they have their faces surgically altered and disavow any knowledge of me for a few decades."

Chen rejected Beijing's "one country, two systems" formula, instead surprising the international community by agreeing to Beijing's usual "one country, two standards of human rights" formula eventually used with Hong Kong long after the British left in 1997.

Chen says that while Taiwan is already independent, and he plans to hold a referendum to ask voters whether Taiwan should boost its military defenses across the strait, he denies his sudden love for the mainland is a result of behind-the-scenes pressure.

"Of course, this is the result of many years of yearning for the motherland," Chen said, while nervously glancing back and forth between the press corps, tactical data regarding the 500 Chinese missiles aimed at the island, and his currently non-electrocuted testicles.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: China, Republic

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