Hutton Report causes radioactivity worldwide

Funny story written by Healthnut

Sunday, 1 February 2004

The Hutton report which induced a permanently vacant smile on the face of Tony Blair, had near fatal consequences for BBC World Service listeners across the world.

Accustomed as most listeners are to daily diet of nonstop news analysis of Iraq, Iraq and yet more Iraq, the BBC radio audience, en masse to a man, woman, child and animal, suffered fainting spells within minutes of the ten hour live broadcast from Westminster in London.

The mass fainting fits were apparently induced by the unscheduled live coverage of Hutton's lugubrious discourse. A female resident of Outer Mongolia who refused to be identified stated that the rant of a crusty old judge rendered her unconscious. All she wanted was news of the Iraq conflict, not the beatification of Tony Blair.

The semi conscious state of half of the world has only been reported today because BBC's radio audience which comprises half the world's population is only now beginning to recover from the toxic after-effects of a "radioactive" report.

Several listeners complained of low blood pressure, dizzy spells, weakness in the limbs, and dryness of the mouth. Reports of the Hutton fallout have been reported from across Europe, Asia and the Americas.

Local hospitals in far off Azerbaijan and Uzbekistan were inundated with calls from anxious relatives of the victims of radioactivity. Several patients admitted to the de-tox emergency rooms had to be revived from a semi-comatose state. Patients, who were shown pictures of the unshaven, bearded Saddam Hussein, revived spontaneously. However, those administered with conventional medication and intravenous injections lapsed into soporific incoherence.

It is reliably learnt that the governments of Tajikistan and Papua New Guinea had complained vehemently to the BBC of Hutton poisoning. The BBC declined to confirm or deny these reports. A spokesperson for the organization would only confirm that since the BBC was effectively now an integral part of the British government propaganda machine, the Hutton report would be broadcast everyday on World Service Radio.

Unconfirmed reports from members of the EU indicate that governments of France, and Germany were planning to jam BBC World Service broadcasts. "The service is having a deleterious effect on the mental and physical well-being of our populations; our health services already affected due to budget constraints, cannot be strained any further," said a spokesman for Chancellor Gerhardt Schroeder in Berlin.

Other nations are expected to follow the lead of France and Germany.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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