Rome - (Satanic Press): The Pope stunned the (mainly left footed) faithful during his Easter address today by announcing he is to marry his long time partner, former Right Said Fred frontman, Richard Fairbrass.
Herr Ratzinger, whose broadcast went out live around the globe, said "we've been friends for ages; I'm deeply dippy that we can now be together".
His spokesman, Lord Haw Haw" informed the world "Germany calling! Germany calling! The glorious Herr Ratzinger and "Big Dick's" nuptials will be a low key affair. They plan to marry in a drive thru wedding parlour in San Francisco."
In a unique spirit of religious solidarity, the Rev Ian Paisley has agreed to officiate, cautiously advising "I'll take their money, but Sodom(y) and gonorrhea if I see any of these Fenian bastards mincing down the Shankhill road, we're back to war".
After the "service", the couple will host a small celebration at the Shirtlifter's pizza emporium before departing to Crete by U-boat loaned by shipping magnate, Admiral Karl Raeder and the crew of Das Boot.
Lord Haw Haw continued "Herr Ratzinger felt that using U-365 would offer them seclusion from the paparazzi and when they wanted to indulge in a bout of nudge nudge pack the fudge they could simply submerge away from prying eyes."
An IATA spokesman later added that because of ticketing problems over the Easter period, the happy couple could only fly one way using Virgin saying "it's all we could do, but it seems appropriate". We've been inundated with bookings from around the globe especially from Argentina and German South West Africa, sorry, Namibia."
Downing Street spokesman Peter Mandelson said "this is living proof of a united Europe, the Third Way cums into being, we wish them well".
George Michael will be the best man.
However, protesters have already made their voice heard, a spokesman added "the Germans are again trying to rule Europe this time through the back passage.
