Vatican City -(ReUterus): The Pontifical Orifice for Miracles has proclaimed today that the Church is pregnant and expecting a happy event just before Christmas Day this year.
Following many years of hit-and-myth attempts at in utero fertilization, prayer, fasting and a limitless supply of spunky sperm donors an immaculate conception has finally occured that is guaranteed to save Church coffers from oblivion.
The Vatican is remaining tight-lipped about the holy mother and her gestation period until sponsorship deals with Halo! magazine are completed.
"Our labia majora will remain speechless until the right moment", said a Papal aide amid press clamorings for an immediate photo-op and urine test result.
Insider sources say that there may be TV coverage of a shower party just as soon as the fountain outside the Sistine Chapel has been fixed and the coins in the Trevisio raked out to pay for a paternity test.
Joseph Ratzinger is 84.