Stuck in self-isolation, man explores strange new sedentary realms

Funny story written by Jas Guipe

Thursday, 9 April 2020

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After struggling for weeks to adjust to the new government-mandated stay-at-home routine, Ray Harris can finally report he’s achieved a near-perfect state of blissful inactivity. Accustomed to “hitting the ground running” everyday, Ray initially bristled at the idea of being “cooped up” 24/7. After all, his friends called him Free Bird, and everybody knows “this bird, you cannot change.”

But Ray eventually did change, and, as he’d heard good things, decided to see what this Netflix business was all about. Soon, however, the act of scrolling and searching for new programs to watch seemed like a lot of unnecessary effort. Reading and turning the pages of books became a tedious exercise. Even following the superficial disputes between guests of daytime talk shows required way more brain power than Ray was willing to expend. At that moment, Ray made up his mind to embrace idleness in a manner never before thought humanly possible.

Soon, Ray began spending extended periods of his day sitting as still as possible. The combination of extreme social-distancing and intense inactivity allowed Ray to achieve what can only be described as a state of sedentary nirvana. He was able to slow the electrical activity in his muscles to a weak trickle, and his calorie-burn rate dropped to well under one per minute. His muscles started to atrophy at three times the normal rate, and the neural activity in his brain began to dim like a rolling blackout. Staring into an abyss of unfathomable laziness, an indescribable peace washed over Ray as he felt himself achieve full couch potato consciousness.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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