Saddam Hussein has been found alive and well, living in a hole in downtown Tikrit, at about 10:50am (local time) on Saturday 13th December.
Reports indicate that Saddam had been living in this hole for at least two months, and it had been in waiting for him for several years. No-one is sure just how big Saddam's hidey-hole was, but our sources indicate it was the size of two double-decker busses and a family-saloon.
His hole, as one would expect, is said to be meagre compared to his usual palaces and other places of residence. There is a widescreen television with satellite television, subscribed to all available channels, a large comfortable sofa bed, a bathroom with shower, bath, sink and toilet, and a small kitchen with gas stove, microwave, and sink. There was also an air vent discovered and a ceiling fan used to keep fresh air circulating around the hole.
The location of Mr. Hussein's hiding place was deduced by an American soldier, who found Saddam's satellite subscription in artefacts recovered from one of his palatial homes. When some allied soldiers visited the address on the subscription form, the found it had been raised to the ground by various explosions.
As the Soldiers were leaving, we are told that one flicked his cigarette into a hole in the ground. Witnesses report they heard an angry muffled voice coming from the hole and that the cigarette was thrown back out.
Saddam is reported to have been quite jovial with the allied boys. "He apologised for shouting at me for throwing my cigarette into the hole," said Sergeant Jack Finn, "He then invited us all into his underground den. It was really fine in there, we all sat down on his sofa, and we all had a cup of coffee and watched a bit of TV. Then we noticed time was getting on, so we had to arrest Saddam and take him back to base."
Saddam will now face a war crimes tribunal, he will be found guilty and put to death.
