Dumfries/Galloway - (Ass Mess): This morning's earthquake measuring 3.5 on the Richter scale has destroyed the Himmler Wing of Balimmoral Castle which crumbled into the fathomless debts of nearby Loch Ness. No one was hurt except the insurance company which recently paid for the refurbishment of the Queen Mother memorial plumbing system that was officially blessed last week by the Duchess of Cornwall after a particularly vicious night at the nearby Ballader Curry House.
The Scottish quake was followed rapidly by a much stonger siesmic seizure off the coast of Taiwan after a sunken Yeltsin-era nuclear submarine finally imploded inside the South China Trench destroying a dozen GCHQ listening posts and the entire Taiwanese Polonioum-enriched dolphin sushi stock.
Today's tremors are a grim reminder of Boxing Day events in 2004 that resulted in former US Presidents Bill Clinton and George Bush Senior being appointed UN Tsunami counsellors after Clinton told a bewildered US electorate that his White House predecessor had been 'like a godfather' to him.
Reports of after-shocks continue to stun Boxing Day TV viewers, many of whom have called UK TV news network to blame Clinton for not taking the Polonioum 210 route with the entire Bush clan when he had such a good opportunity to do so during his tenure of the White House.
Seismologists have warned that a third seizure is imminent in the next 24 hours and have laid odds-on bets on the geo-physical seismic trench bordering the private residence of Massachussetts Governor Walter Mitty Romney.
