Heaven - After two attempts to fix a million year old experiment gone wrong, God and son Jesus were said to be in discussions on another attempt as the two thousand year anniversary of the end of the first failed try around 32 A.D. by Jesus approached, God and his son revealed in a recent interview with a Spoof reporter.
"I developed humans to be the most intelligent creatures I had ever designed, about a million years ago. They were a big improvement, I thought, over the various versions of apes developed several million years previously, capable of speech and advanced intelligence, and they even looked like us. But there was a design flaw, they seemed to spend much of their time figuring out ways to mistreat, harm and even kill each other. This is something I had hoped the advanced brain structure and resulting intelligence would avoid, but instead it made the behavior worse than any other species I came up with in the previous billion or so years."
He continued, as Jesus bowed and slowly shook his head. "We came up with a plan, about two thousand years ago, I would send my son down there as one of them, to teach them rules on how to behave, and things like humility and loving one another. I was hopeful, even though the thing I did with Moses and the stones was a failure a few hundred years before. But even though he found around a dozen guys to believe what he was saying, they managed to kill him after just a few years of teaching, and in the worst way possible. I tried to get my boy to go back there three days after his torture and killing, and he walked around a little while and said "let me out of here father", so I relented and took him back up".
Jesus then chimed in, "we talked again a thousand years later, and I made a brief trip around 1066, but the first thing I saw was they were at it again, butchering each other just to decide who got to be king of England, so I got cold feet and headed up as soon as possible".
"The first attempt almost took", God said, "they began to spread some of my son's teachings, and I even worked through some of them, like Plato, Aristotle, Confucius, and Buddha, to get the message across. But strangely, the attempts backfired, they used the teachings, which they called religion, as another excuse to hate, mistreat and kill each other, very disappointing."
"So we are thinking of another attempt in the next few decades", added Jesus. "They are greedily destroying their own home, planet Earth, and many of the other species we took so long to develop, and in fact have used their advanced intelligence to create better and more efficient ways to kill each other, so we don't have a lot of time left. We just have to figure out a way to do it".