Bush's Royal Rumble

Funny story written by Pedro Chemical

Tuesday, 25 November 2003

image for Bush's Royal Rumble
A turd, yesterday

Royal cleaner Edith Marigold, 59, today revealed sickening intimate details of the recent Presidential stay in Buckingham Palace.

Edith has been employed as an under cleaner at the Royal household since she was a slip of a girl at 32, and has fast tracked her way up from corgi paw cleaner to her current role as Senior Lavatory and Bidet cleansing agent.

Edith has enjoyed a life spent in Royal service, but recently all the joy turned to horror, after the State Visit of President George Bush.

"It was horrible," she told The Spoof, "I thought I'd seen everything in my time here at Buck Pal, as we call it. I've had to clean the toilet of heads of state, Royalty, and rock stars, but I've never seen anything like this before in my life. I've had to take time off, I've got a sick note and everything."

Pressed for details, she continued: "Well it was the evening after the president, I mean, that man, left. He just got into his big helicopter and flew off without saying goodbye or anything, not that he'd said hello anyhow. When I went into his bathroom I got the shock of my life. Not that I haven't seen some messes before, but this was terrifying. It was even worse than when Fergie was trying to learn between the bidet and the toilet, or when Charles blocked it up with his used johnnies. I've got to say that in the toilet bowl there was the biggest blackest turd I have ever seen, and it smelt like a tramps trousers. The toilet was completely blocked, with this monster all curly with chunky bits in it. Probably sweetcorn."

Edith collapsed with shock at the scale of the task confronting her, and was taken to hospital. "Her majesty was very sweet", we were told, "she 'phoned me in the hospital and told me to take however long I wanted, and my job and Bush's job would still be waiting for me. That sounds harsh, but it is a matter of pride for me. No one has stopped me from doing my job before and no one will now. That turd is mine."

She is now considering whether to claim compensation for loss of earnings and emotional distress caused by the presidential poop, and has been told she has a good case. Her lawyer, Simon Target told us, "There is no doubt about the damage caused to my client. We will have to clarify who is responsible for the mammoth movement, and go after them with the full force of the law. We are thinking about conducting the case in the US, because the compensation is much higher."

When asked if he had spoken to the president to put forward the allegations, he replied: "I called the white house this morning, making the allegations clear, but they refused to put me through to the president. In any legal systems eyes, that has to be suspicious."

The spokesman for Buckingham Palace read a prepared statement: "It is not Royal household policy to comments on matters which are potentially damaging to the State or foreign relations. A valued worker at the palace was taken ill, and taken to hospital, where she made a complete recovery. The Palace has no further statement."

When pressed, the American ambassador, Chuck Farley, issued a statement which read:

The White House refutes these allegations totally. Whilst staying in the English Palace, president bush defecated into transparent plastic bags, issued by the Secret Service after being scanned for toxins. His movements were then flown by Apache and F19 to Andrews Air Force base for analysis. It is White House policy to avoid toilets because they pose several security risks, from poisoned water and hidden explosives, to gas attacks. We are certain that what has been identified as a monster dump may in fact be a special seal placed on the toilet by the Secret Service to prevent terrorists from accessing the presidential ablutions via the sanitary disposal system. This represents a very real threat to Presidential security. And besides, President Bush does not like sweetcorn."

This is not the first time Bush has been implicated in toilet related mysteries. On a recent visit to Germany, a long thin cylindrical object was left jammed in the toilet set aside for the Presidential entourage. It was later claimed that the Donald Rumsfeld had 'just got sick and tired of all those damned salami things'.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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