A recent RTE poll, unsurprisingly, has determined that Enda Kenny, despite malicious rumours from irrational and extremist Fianna Fail hooligans™, really is (as none of us really doubted), the World's Most Charismatic Current Fine Gael Taoiseach.
Admittedly, it was a close-run thing, as Kenny only grabbed 50.0001 of the vote; his thunder nearly being stole by Rodraig Spartacus O'Leprosy.
Kenny triumphantly and charismatically pronounced to the Dail:
"We people of the British Isles…"
"The Island of Ireland," David Norris helpfully interjected.
"DAAAAVID NORRIS!" roared Kenny:
"Now THAAAAT is BENEAAATH YOU. If I ever required assistance on how not to avoid verbal gaffes, YOUUUUU would be the LAST person on my list, I DO assure you!
"Anyway, we have many achievements. Of these, four stand out, in order of least to greatest priority. One: the Easter Rising (I had to tuck that in somewhere)…
"Hmph, now WHAT are you all laughing at, you CYNICAL, OPPORTUNISTIC, Fianna Fail BASTARDS?
"Two: the Peace Process in the North of Ireland, which Clare Daly so MALICIOUSLY attempted to wreck, when she made simply DESPICABLE allegations about what Dublin Airport, as she SO MENDACIOUSLY insinuated, was doing with all that stuff SUPPOSEDLY passing through it, in relation to our war against the Syrian population… sorry, I mean the war the Brits are waging against the… people… somewhere, out there…
"Anyway, three, to wit, the ABSOLUTE very best ALL TIME Irish cultural achievement but one: Our numerous Eurovision successes, which have placed Ireland on the world stage, and made us a booming metropolis in the global village of international, cosmopolitan culture… well, apart from Bono, of course, because he BORES THE ARSE off me.
"Four: the 1801 Act of Union… oh, shite. Forget I just said that one; bit of a Freudian slip, there. Bejasus.
"But in addition to these four, there is one which outclasses all of them. In fact, I would be utterly horrified if this latest magnificent accomplishment should even be mentioned in the same breath as these previous meagre peaks of the Irish collective national experience.
"Aye: your VERY OWN beloved Taoiseach has won the RTE prize for The World's Most Charismatic Current Fine Gael Taoiseach.
"Well, how about THAT, my beloved friends! Those Fianna Fail hooligans will be EATING their words. Forget Arthur: from now on, this day shall be called ENDA KENNY DAY; in perpetuity! To HELL with Saint Patrick's Day or Easter Sunday: this is the GREEAAATEST public holiday of them all!"
"You bourgeois anti-proletarian reactionary! What about the everyday bread-and-butter issues?!" screamed Clare Daly.
"Oh! Well, now... I SUPPOSE you Trots could do with a day's work. Just TAKE the bridge and START running," smirked Enda.
Upon Kenny's witty joust, just this once, the entire Dail approved of Kenny's wise words (to say nothing of almost everyone in Ireland, North and South).
Yet, not everybody was impressed. A disconsolate Gay Mitchell sobbed to me:
"It just tells you so much about the state of these two islands…."
"Well, perhaps you meant to say the somewhat more westerly of the two," helpfully interjected David Norris.
"It says a lot," continued Gay Mitchell, "When the people of Ireland consider for The World's Most Charismatic Current Fine Gael Taoiseach to be Enda Kenny, of all people; instead of me! I just don't know what to do about this."
Norris shook his head.
"Well, quite frankly, I feel there are worse problems out there. I mean, when Gay and Enda need someone like me to lead them onto the straight and narrow of not putting their foots in their mouths; well, the people of Ireland might as well just give up this whole politics thing right now."
Well... you may not be far off the mark there, David.