Santa Claus, A Red Agent

Written by Michael Nanchanatt

Thursday, 7 November 2013

Imagine every night, the same night every year in fact, a morbidly obese man broke into your home distributing wealth, eating your food, and brainwashing children. Would you let this man into your home? Would you let this man near your children? His power and influence has spread so deeply that even NORAD (North American Aerospace Defense Command) cannot track his movements. Who is this mysterious man?

Santa Claus, A RED Agent

That's right, we have all been deceived, swindled, misinformed, lied to, misled, made a mockery of, cheated, betrayed, two-timed, cuckolded, tricked, defrauded, stabbed in the back, and (any other conceivable word a thesaurus can pull up). The Fat Man wearing the Red is actually an agent for the very real communist threat still gripping the world. There are even rumors that the Onion's Sexiest Man Alive Kim Jong Un, leader of the powerhouse North Korea is secretly funding Santa's little "operation" with the money not going to his starving children. His ultimate goal is for a violent class struggle between the peasant children and the well-to-do children.

All you need to do is open your eyes to see the evidence of Santa's corruptive socialist propaganda creating policies from healthcare to public education. By distributing gifts to children on Christmas Eve Santa is ruining the capitalist free market system that we all know and love. The sudden influx of free knock-offs increases supply therefore rapidly depreciating prices for the goods. Before you know it, Joseph Schmoseph loses his pension because the toy companies only received a billion dollars in profits rather than last quarter's one and a quarter billion in profits. In this way, Mr. Claus is slowly, yet steadily degrading our capitalist market, using sweet, candy encrusted hands rather than invisible ones to make the concept of government controlled prices seem welcome.

Another heinous crime committed by Santa is the impartial distribution of presents on Christmas Eve. Despite much literature on the subject, it is common knowledge that children do not actually receive coal for Christmas, despite the brats who deserve it. "Saint Nicholas" shows his true colors when the receiving of gifts is not dependent on merit. This fosters a generation of lazy, "entitled" children that think that working in the mines or factories for a decent sub-minimum wage salary is not worth the effort. 0% of children under the age of eight have a job in the United States because of Santa. Child labor laws were one of Santa's greatest victories over capitalism. Meanwhile, an army of midgets works day and night in inhospitable conditions in the North Pole year-round, fulfilling the demands of this insatiable, hypocrite in order to destroy established world order.

More evidence revealing Santa's secret agenda comes in his completely material view of Christmas. Santa would like you to believe that Christmas is for presents, and currently many children and adults have been brainwashed into thinking this; however, the original impetus for the holiday results from Jesus of Nazareth's birth. While not everyone may follow this belief, it only goes to show you that Mr. Nicholas is trying to relieve the world of religion, an important principle in Marxism. The Jolly Old Man is trying to take Christ from Christmas.

Further, the very nature of Santa's clothing illustrates his Un-American loyalties. All year Santa only wears one suit. And do you know what color that suit is? Why it is red, of course. His political loyalties are evident through the fervor with which he only wears one type of suit. In this way, he has been subtly influencing our children, creating a subconscious connection within their brains, which relates red to happy or fun. He even rewards those who wear red disproportionally more as seen in the very common tragedy, Rudolph the Red-Nose Reindeer. For those unfamiliar with the folktale, Rudolph, a rookie yet untrained with guiding Santa's sleigh, is promoted above other experienced, hardworking reindeer due to Rudolph's communist sentiments.

Lastly, any final shred of doubt that Santa spreads communist doctrine should dispel itself when math proves that Santa is a "commie". Through the transitive property if a equals b and b equals c, then a equals c. In the same way, if Karl Marx, Vladimir Lenin, and many other communist leaders had beards, and they all shared Marxist ideologies, then any man with a beard is a Marxist. Resultantly, the beard, much like on other men, is the true indicator of guilt. If Santa has a beard, which he does, then he is a communist and a equals c.

No applause or parades are necessary for the man who lifted the veil away from your face. Revealing the Red infested backwoods cesspool in which you all call home was recompense enough (unfortunately two out of the three of those cannot be changed from the publishing of this PSA). All that I ask in return is that my message be heard and shouted from every mountain and yelled by every town crier (those people are still in use right) across the nation. "CEO's of the World Unite!"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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