Interpol Arrest 'Piano' Murderer

Funny story written by Captain Dopey

Monday, 17 April 2006

image for Interpol Arrest 'Piano' Murderer
An Idiot.

A team of detectives from Interpol have finally apprehended the notorious 'Piano Murderer', the ghoulish fiend whose trademark has been to leave a piano in the lining of his victim's suit.
Chief Detective Superintendent Reynolds Lard, famously known as 'Lard of the Yard', revealed that the murderer had been discovered hiding behind a settee in Coventry, the scene of thirty-two of his hideous crimes. He was discovered by two off-duty policemen, whose suspicion had been aroused by flying entrails seen coming from behind the couch. "I have a couch at home, and I know that entrails do not usually emanate from that vicinity", said Sergeant Viborg Sleuth, one of the arresting officers. "My family and myself often spend the night behind our couch, and we have never seen any evidence of airborne viscera. Moths, yes, but never viscera".
'The Dracula of the Ivories', as the killer came to be known, is believed to be a one-eyed transvestite sailor with an orange beard and false chin, although details are still sketchy. It is understood that he is a former President of the British Women's Guild of Helicopter Manufacturers, a position he obtained using a false passport and some handcuffs, and that this incredible disguise is the reason for his remaining at large for so long. "We would never had suspected him if it hadn't been for a tip-off we received from the proprietor of the local False Chin Emporium", said Superintendent Lard. "It seems that he had been purchasing a huge quantity of fake mandibiles; no-one but a Piano Murderer would do such a thing". When asked why the murderer had escaped capture for forty-five years, even when his address, telephone number and National Insurance number had been found at the scene of nineteen of his crimes, Superintendent Lard admitted, "we should have acted sooner; although in our defence, you must realise that it had been raining".
The trial is expected to start at the Old Bailey in November, when both prosecution and defence cases have been fully prepared and the current run of "Dr. Who" has finished. The Crown has appointed highly-esteemed lawyer Sir Neville Pockets as chief prosecutor. The counsel for the defence is believed to be Mr. Barry Failure, an unemployed window-cleaner from Scunthorpe. The proceedings will be presided over by Judge "Blind-Eye" Holloway, a former Nazi War Criminal and Charity Commissioner, who volunteered for the job under the pressure of money.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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