Mystery Surrounds Draw

Funny story written by Stu B

Thursday, 20 January 2005

The Old One Two battled to a one all draw against the The Old Blundering Blundonian Blunderers 23rd Eleven in last nights Cromer league clash of the portly. The strong Old One Two supporters were amazed to see a team turn out excluding both "Six Bellies" Adams and Damers Conlin and with no one on the bench.

Still injured Stu the Glue hobbled into place with a skeleton squad that has been stricken with Illness since last weeks defeat. It emerged just before the kick-off that Six Bellies Adams had been declared unable to play due to his not getting his breath back from playing his first full game last week. The missing Conlin though was another mystery.

However, the biggest conundrum of the evening was how the old one two didn't win by at least three clear goals, one member of the supporters club, Ted "Old Glue" Blakemore was vocal in his criticism "eeeee, I dunno, they had their chances, could have had five in the net, mind you, as like their goalie was a good ‘un"

Sir Kerr MacRae, wearing new trainers, paid for by his forgetting his wallet last week, seemed reluctant to finish any of the many opportunities. He later refuted claims that he had thrown the game deliberately whilst Damers was delayed due by an overrun conference call arranging a multi pence bet with a Saudi syndicate netting them both in excess of 40p in winnings.

A searing shot in the first half skinned the finger tips of an overstretched Stu and The Old Blundering Blundonian Blunderers 23rd Eleven scored from their only real chance of the first half.

The Old One Two were by far the more attacking in the first half but as the whistle blew they found themselves chasing the game. At this point Damers Conlin appeared but was prevented from joining the field of play.

MacRae tried everything to stop the play including dancing with the Goalkeeper and claiming a free kick when someone stepped on his new trainers.

Keith Goodwin, who was waiting to be replaced, helped with some inspired defending against a more confident attack from the The Old Blundering Blundonian Blunderers 23rd Eleven and at one point clattering to the floor in a bitter clash for possession. With every defence came a strong counter attack from the old one two but again and again the force stopped short of delivering, MacRae dribbling around the box more that he has in years.

Then in a long ball from the glue knocked on by a surprisingly un-angry Bosher, Mutant Metcalf surprised all including himself when he charged up the left wing and hoofed in a blinder past the Blundering Goalie. With the play suspended Goodwin was replaced by Conlin who had seen his side bet of scoring in the twelth minute tick away.

With only seconds left on the clock the defence of the Old One Two repeatedly faltered and was breached by the Old guy with the replacement knees, who shared MacRae's reticence for shooting at goal. Two attempts flew past The Glue but above the goal and then the whistle blew.

Investigations are underway regarding the unexpected result and MacRae significantly made no comment on the game publicly. Reports hint at his agitation though as, once again, he forgot to pay for his Dinner.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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