Written by Elwood P. Laborlong

Saturday, 6 August 2011

Miss Grace Occident, a nurse of a certain age (as the French would say--in French, of course) has become a major political force in global affairs. Bursting on the scene, "Auntie" Occident, as her protégés are fond of calling her, has been able to resolve numerous conflicts and revolts on the world stage.

How has she done it? "It's just good ol' Western straightforwardness," she declares. "None of this Eastern namby-pamby meditation and prayer and so-called diplomacy, no sirree! I believe in wading right in, guns blazing (metaphorically speaking--or, well, maybe not)," she adds with a twinkle in her Oklahoman blue eyes. "No yoga, yogis, or yogurt. I just hitch up my skirts and jump right in."

When asked for a specific example, she points our her method for putting the kibosh on ruthless dictators: she literally pulls down their trousers or pulls up their robes, as the case may be, turns them over her knee, and lets them have it with her silver hairbrush. She is troubled by one side effect of this strategy, however.

"Quite of few of them seem to really enjoy this treatment. They say it reminds them of their happy boyhood when they were walloped by their mothers for such minor indiscretions as strangling kittens and shooting BB guns at their sisters."

As for her advice on handling revolutions, it's simple: "Good old Western technology--you just send the drones and missiles in there and bomb the pistachio out of them. You know, in the very first play ever written and staged by an American on an American theme in 1769, the main character says, 'A man's not a man without his gun.' That was true back in frontier days, and its sure as hell just as true now."

Speaking of America, we wondered how Auntie Occident reconciled her solution for revolutions with the fact that the USA itself was founded by a revolt. Our question clearly infuriated her: "Any nincompoop can see that was different. We had democracy and God on our side, and not necessarily in that order. Not like these ragamuffins these days who can't even make up their minds what they are revolting for."

And what about the rash of suicide bombers? "Encourage them--they're nature's way of controlling population. Same for famine: you live in a desert and have twenty kids, what the heck do you expect--manna from heaven?"

When asked about the rumor that many of her followers want her to run for public office, perhaps as a Tea Party candidate, the feisty octogenarian is adamant: "No way! Them Tea Party types is way too liberal to suit my liking. Why, they even consented to let the Defense budget be cut, just because a few people are out of jobs. I say, let the American people suck it up like we had to do in the Great Depression and WWII! If a few of them starve, that would be a good example for these pampered kids nowadays--teach 'em some backbone."

It's clear that Auntie is indeed pro-accid . . . that is, pro-Occidental.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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