The Truth Behind The Kennedy Family Wedding Free-For-All Feud: Ethel, Vicki, and Joan All Bared Their Claws!

Funny story written by Abel Rodriguez

Sunday, 24 July 2011


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The late Ted Kennedy, father of the groom Patrick Kennedy.

CAPE COD, Massachusetts - Patrick and Amy Kennedy's wonderful Kennedy Hyannis Port Compound wedding will be one which they will certainly always look back on with joy, happiness, excitement, and puzzlement.

Everything went as planned, the place was festooned with decorations that one would see at the wedding of a Saudi Arabian prince, a Dubai prince, or the artist formerly known as Prince.

And the bride looked simply stunning in a stunningly stunning dress that was designed by world renowned wedding dress designer Symphonica Esmeralda Stunning, 74, of Providence, Rhode Island.

The groom wore your basic Manhattan Deluxe Suit from the James Bond Limited Collection of Long Island.

The bridesmaids all wore lavish royal blue dresses in honor of the blue Democratic states. The color red, which is representative of Republican states was banned from the wedding and wedding reception for the obvious political reasons.

Everything went well until a pink wrench got tossed into the mix. Vicki Kennedy the 57-year-old widow of the late Edward "Ted" Kennedy, father of the groom informed Patrick's Aunt Ethel, 83, wife of the late Robert "Bobby" Kennedy and uncle of Patrick that she was going to honor Ted's wish and turn their 21-room Hyannis Port mansion into a Massachusetts Bed & Breakfast.

Ethel exploded calling Vicki a sneaky foomshasta, which is an old Iroquois Indian name which means she devil.

Vicki countered by saying that Ethel really needed to do something about getting her big gigantic rapatickaficka lipoed. The name rapatickaficka is an old Mohawk Indian name which means belly.

Sensing that the two women were starting to get a little unruly and somewhat out of hand, Joan Kennedy, Ted's ex-wife, and mother of Patrick, ex-sister-in-law of Ethel, and the wife that Vicki had replaced as Mrs. Edward Kennedy quietly walked up to the two feuding ladies.

The 74-year-old still feisty blonde casually put her arms around both of them ala a group hug and whispered that the two better cut all of this yelling and hollering shit out and cut it out pronto, as Gene Autry's sidekick Gabby Hayes would say.

Joan then moved in real close and said that if they didn't stop acting like a couple of crazy banshees that she would grab them both and take them out behind the boat dock and proceed to beat the living daylights out of both self-centered bitches for embarrassing her and ruining her son's wedding.

Joan asked if both understood what she had said. Ethel and Vicki each nodded their heads in the affirmative.

And so the Kennedy family free-for-all-feud was nipped in the bud by the cool-headed Joan. And the beautiful Camelot wedding continued.

Luckily for everyone Joan prevented the little misunderstanding from turning into a big Kennedy Hyannis Port Compound catfight that would have escalated into a three-ring circus and even resulted in some first degree bruised Kennedy egos.

After the wedding reception Patrick and his new bride the former Amy Petitgout, a marriage and family therapist, left for a one week honeymoon to The Pancho Villa Resort Villa in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico.

The new Mrs. Patrick Kennedy, who is a native of New Jersey, stated that when Patrick and her return from Mexico she will sit down with Vicki, Ethel, and Joan and try to figure out exactly what the hell it is that caused them to act like a bunch of uncivilized common folk.

Music for the wedding reception was provided by Camel Carl & The Desert Rag Headz.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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