The U.S. was shocked by yesterday's revelation that movie star and ex-California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger secretly fathered a child with a housekeeper ten years ago. The incident was seen as yet another glaring act of hypocrisy from a "family values" politician, and was the obvious explanation for Schwarzenegger's divorce from newslady and Kennedy family member Maria Shriver.
Well, you can breathe a sigh of relief, because Arnold's not a two-timing pig after all. This reporter has learned from a reliable source that the actor-politician has a perfectly good reason for his affair.
We have also learned the identity of the housekeeper, one Miss Sarah Connor. The source explains, "This affair was the farthest thing from a deceitful act of lust and self-gratification. Arnold would never do a thing like that. He is an upholder of Republican Virtue, after all, as well as a proud defender of the American family. Didn't you see Kindergarten Cop?
"Let me elaborate. In the near future an artificial intelligence network called Skynet will become self-aware and initiate a nuclear holocaust of mankind. Arnold and Sarah's son John will rally the survivors and lead a resistance movement against Skynet and its army of machines. The only means to stop this network and its evil robot minions lies with John. In order to save the human race, he had to be born! You'd understand if you were from the future.
"Arnold's entire life has been in service of the human race. His bodybuilding and filmmaking was just a cover for his daring anti-machine activity. He wouldn't be having sordid, adulterous sex with housekeepers unless he had a perfectly good and virtuous reason, I assure you.
"It's a shame the man's career should be put in jeopardy because of a misunderstanding on the part of the American public. If anything, we should be bowing in thanks to this man. I am sure that in the end they will understand, accept Schwarzenegger as their savior and make him president-for-life, presided he has an equally virtuous running mate, such as Newt Gingrich."
Unfortunately, this explanation still didn't satisfy Ms. Shriver, who was selfishly concerned only with her own happiness. When it became obvious Shriver was a machine working against mankind, Arnold had no choice but to confront her. "Consider this a divorce, bitch," he said, just before putting a grenade in her mouth and blowing her to bits.
Miss Connor was unable to comment for this article. Rumor has it that she is somewhere in the Los Angeles underground, where she is relentlessly stalked by members of the cyborg community.