Universities to Start Printing Diplomas on Blankets

Funny story written by Jim Jones

Friday, 1 April 2011

Washington D.C.- Today Dr. Robert M. Berdahl, the President of the influential Association of American Universities (AAU), an influential organization consisting of 61 of North America's most prominent research universities, has unveiled an agreement among members to start printing diplomas on woolen-blankets in order "to keep graduates warm."

"While we took many factors into consideration, our main impetus is that many of our graduates are not finding gainful employment and with increasing frequency either finding themselves living in their parents cool, damp basements or living on the street. Accordingly, we will now be printing diplomas on woolen-blankets so that our graduate may stay warm."

The blankets will measure 6x9 and will be made of 100 percent merino wool, providing maximum comfort and warmth for shivering graduates.

Dr. Berdahl continued, "Members of the Association of American Universities have always been at the forefront of educational reform. Needless to say this policy was supported unanimously by our constituent members and no one can claim that we don't care about our students. We believe this will be a major step forward for our member universities and hope that other universities will emulate us."

When asked about the costs of the program Dr. Berdahl replied, "yes, the blankets will cost more than the typical paper diploma but we believe the benefits far outweigh the costs. Besides warmth and comfort, blanket diplomas will last far longer than the typical paper diploma and there will be no need for the expensive picture frame. Just drape your diploma over your couch and you're good to go."

Dr. Berdahl also informed the media that the costs at most universities would be covered by student "graduation fees," however Harvard, Stanford and a few other universities will opt to waive fees for all students coming from families earning less that 100,000 dollars per year.

When pressed further, Dr. Berdahl revealed, "We considered several options for helping graduates, such as creating job development programs, expanding career centers, and networking with companies over-seas, however at the end of the day printing diplomas on woolen-blankets simply makes the most economic sense."

When asked where the blankets will be produced Dr. Berdahl replied, "China."

More on this story as it develops.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more