SACRAMENTO, CA - As predicted, the full-tilt, low-blow politics, so firmly on display throughout much of the over-heated California governor race between Democratic retread Jerry Brown and Republican Queen Bee-in-Waiting Meg Whitman, appears to have finally taken a slight, yet noticeable left turn (literally, as opposed to figuratively) for the worse.
And the reason for this not-exactly-startling (yet rather pronounced) development, is that, according to reports filed earlier this week with the California State General Election Rules & Review Board, someone believed to be front and center within the Brown camp has, in a last ditch effort to either hold onto, or perhaps just bluntly project their candidate into the lead, apparently begun sending 8X10 hard copy photos of fully exposed, creatively positioned penises to various key members responsible for spearheading and approving what little message there is (and has been) coming from the Committee to Elect Meg Whitman during the all-important homestretch portion of this, more or less, ultra-mud-slung campaign, of sorts.
TaFaye Puhl, Vice-Chairperson of the California State General Election Rules & Review Board, recently took time out, while having her legs waxed at a Sacramento area hair removal center, to address the quick wildfire-like outgrowth of overwrought concern spilling forth from those embedded in the Whitman campaign who have been on the receiving end of these somewhat bold, daring, and entirely reckless attempts to further get under the skin of the matronly GOP hopeful, and, in turn, seemingly draw even more attention away from the issues, if that's still possible at this time.
"At this point, we're not sure who, or whom, may be behind these mass mailings," said Ms. Puhl, while trying not to flinch during an otherwise uncomfortable, yet entirely necessary, quick pull & peel maneuver was administered to a delicate area of her upper inner thigh by a, more or less, disinterested hair extractor technician. "All we know for certain is that they keep arriving, like clockwork, or at least have pretty much ever since Ms. Whitman began to repeatedly stress something about "baloney" in most, if not all, of her on-air campaign ads."
Initially, there was some (albeit farfetched) speculation that the penis on display in these photos might in fact be the same one that's allegedly been attached to Jerry Brown during most if not all of his post-adolescent adult male life, and, consequently, throughout a significant amount of his longstanding stretch of public service in the California political spotlight, as well.
"Mainly this was due to the fact that the first wave of penile portraits always seemed to be positioned in front of some sort of backdrop that commonly featured famed pop singer and former Brown paramour, Linda Ronstadt," said Ms. Puhl. "Usually this would be in the form of one or more of her numerous Grammy award winning 12" LP's from the '70s, or sometimes a carefully constructed formation of her many still available CD's, and, on one occasion, a lobby poster of the film "The Pirates of Penzance", which, apparently she did in the early '80s, and, on this occasion, was made to look like the penis actually belonged quite prominently to her dashing co-star Kevin Kline."
Needless to say, even more thought was given to the idea that Brown might be the man behind the gland, once a new and improved series of penis photos featuring a more rugged and obvious name brand motif utilizing an outstanding array of Oakland Raiders National Football League sanctioned paraphernalia (helmets, caps, foam fingers, eye-patches, shot glasses, magnets, rally towels, etc.), began arriving at the start of the present NFL 2010 season.
"The feeling was, or at least the connection being made at the time was that because current Attorney General Brown was at one time the mayor of Oakland from 1999 - 2007, he seemed like, well, a better than average good bet, or, at least a good place to start looking even further, if you know what I mean," said Ms. Puhl, as a team of heavy-duty file wielding pedicure specialists began to tackle what they could along the lower edge of her rather extended pair of gruesome looking hammertoes.
"But then," she continued, "after a series of bi-partisan closed-door examinations of Attorney General Brown - who, by the way, was way more than willing to accommodate those assigned to carry out this up close and personal inspection, and, as such, made his office available to whatever was requested of him - it soon became evident, that due to the as witnessed findings, there was no way that the penis in the pictures could otherwise be mistaken for the one that Attorney General Brown has apparently been sporting since several hours after his birth in 1938."
In other words, in an effort to not monkey around any further in this direction, reasonable doubt that Brown was ever directly linked to any of these penis photos was clearly established by the fact that, according to Ms. Puhl, "The guy behind the thing in the pictures was obviously not Jewish. And, although, neither is Attorney General Brown, anyone with even a brief bit of knowledge regarding standard Judaic customs might, I'm certain, be fully inclined to make that same assumption, as well."
Consequently, all efforts to discover the identity of the phantom penis hard copy provider have since centered on the prevailing belief that the culprit is, if not a rogue member deep within the Brown campaign team, then the package in question might just belong to some outstanding untrimmed California citizen, who is otherwise noticeably excited (in a mad way of course) and seemingly forever in a mood to demonstrate his obvious displeasure with Meg Whitman's continual, unbridled promises of restrained fiscal management if elected. All of which, even to the naked eye, seem rather silly at this point, especially considering Whitman has reportedly spent over $100 million dollars so far to prove to the California voters just what kind of wise, level-headed, bargain hunter she might be, if allowed to pick up where the Terminator is about to leave off, not a minute too soon.
In other words, yeah, and someone's got their might, right here.