Terry Jones, Pastor of the Dove World Outreach Center in Gainesville, Florida has announced today that he is moving his church to a more hospitable location.
Jones claims that due to the firestorm of controversy that was blown way out of proportion after he scheduled Burn a Koran Day for September 11, he and his parishioners no longer feel safe or wanted in Gainesville, or Florida, or even the United States for that matter.
"Sheesh," said Jones, "I really thought the First Amendment meant something in the United States, that my rights would be honored when I come up with the plan to burn Korans, but I guess not. The liberal commie government just didn't have my best interests in mind when they put their nose where it don't belong. I couldn't even catch a break from the t-baggers. That there alone was my cue that things was just gonna get worst for me and my worshippers."
Taking his cue from another Jones, Jim Jones to be exact (no relation that we know of), Terry Jones has decided that a move out of country would be in the church's best interest. He has put his Dove World Outreach Center property up for sale on Craigslist and has scheduled a fire sale for the first week in October of all church fixtures. He is hoping to sell all the donated Korans he planned on burning on eBay for as much as he can get. He believes they will fetch a pretty penny if for no other reason than he now considers them important pieces of pop culture. (Respect seems to be lost on this poor pastor).
Jones is planning an exploratory trip to Guyana within the next week or so to scope out a remote area where he and his "family" can reside peacefully without, in his words, "the eyes, ears, and noses of the United States government getting into our business."
Jones was asked if he thought it a coincidence that his last name is Jones, that he is acting a bit like a cult leader in the way he runs his church, and he is moving to a place whose very name conjures up visions of one of the darkest times in religious history, he replied, "No, I hadn't thought about that. In fact, most people who know me know that I don't put a lot of thought into anything I do."