Editors, Some People Say, That it is Believed That Many are of the Opinion that Weasel Words Should be Eliminated, Most Feel

Funny story written by anthonyrosania

Friday, 17 September 2010

image for Editors, Some People Say, That it is Believed That Many are of the Opinion that Weasel Words Should be Eliminated, Most Feel
Anti-fur organization who shall remain nameless: "Die, Lassie."

Many editors, experts declare, and it is often reported, that what it is widely thought to be "weasel words" should be eliminated, research has shown.

"Science says that weasel words, it was proven, present what can appear to be supporting opinion for a given point," says Anthony Rosania, some guy who writes d-ck jokes for a living. "but can deny the reader the opportunity to assess the source of the viewpoint, usually because they are bullsh-t."

Additionally, says a source, words such as "supposed" and "purported" implies that the point being made is probably bullsh-t as well.

"It's the same as writing 'allegedly' and 'accused'," continued Rosania. "They are usually used by hack writers, usually after writing something that is so profoundly libelous, the writer better transfer ownership of his house and cars into his mother-in-law's name before he gets his ass sued off."

"A sentence like, 'Keanu Reeves has a cleft in his chin so that Anderson Cooper knows where to rest his balls, allegedly,' is a perfect example. Everyone knows Keanu Reeves doesn't have a cleft on his chin."

"When alleged or accused are used, ensure that the source of the accusation is clear," Rosania prattled on, even though absolutely no one was listening. "And 'so-called can mean commonly named, falsely named, or contentiously named, and it can be difficult to tell these apart. Simply called is preferable for the first meaning; detailed and attributed explanations are preferable for the others."

Finally, even seasoned writers can be confused when their work is edited.

"As an example," Rosania concluded, "In one article, the name PETA was edited. Eleven times! I used terms like 'bone smuggler', 'colon comrade' and 'guzzler of man-cream' with impunity, but God forbid the anti-fur, pro-killing-puppies-and-kitty-cats nuts* are mentioned by name."

*Alleged anti-fur, pro-killing-puppies-and-kitty-cat nuts. In fact, PETA is chock-full of loving, decent animal lovers, and some of them are high-powered attorneys that can send cease-and-desist letters to websites based in the U.K. So, even though, in an AOL News article posted March 9, 2010, which reported that the organization euthanizes over 90 percent of the dogs and cats relinquished to its headquarters in Norfolk, Va., we should never say their name in vain.

In fact, in 2009, PETA euthanized 2,301 dogs and cats -- 97 percent of those brought in -- and adopted only eight, according to Virginia state figures. And the rate of these killings has been increasing. From 2004 to 2008, euthanasia at PETA increased by 10 percent.

So, yeah, yay, PETA. Let's keep pandering to them. The 8 dogs and cats they forgot to kill certainly thank them.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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