Don't Let the Bed Bugs Bite: Eastern Iowa Infested

Funny story written by Aubergine Underwood

Friday, 10 September 2010

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Bite Me

THEY'RE BAA-AAACK!! "Good night. Sleep tight. Don't let the bed bugs bite" has taken on a whole new meaning as Eastern Iowa residents are sleeping with one eye open these nights.

As if the beleagured residents haven't had enough problems with filthy egg farms, the aftermath of the Floods of 2008, and the University of Iowa's latest tailgating restrictions, and the prospect of another miserable basketball season, now it's the comeback of the common bed bug (cimex lectularius) in epic proportions.

In an interview with KGAN reporter Tiffany Irish, local exterminator Bob Killbug stated that, "Bed bugs were thought to have been eradicated in the United States thirty years ago with the now-banned pesticide DDT, but they continued to flourish elsewhere in the world. With the increase in global travel, these insidious bloodsuckers have illegally entered this country on airplanes, luggage, and even the travellers themselves."

"Bed bugs are small copper colored insectds that look similar to a tick," Killbug continued, "and are about 1/4 inch in length so are easy to see. They feed mostly on the blood of humans and are usually found around areas where people sleep. Bed bugs are not dangerous since they do not transmit disease. Their bites do, however, leave large itchy welts on the skin."

"One rather weird phenomenon exterminators have been observing lately with the approach of Fall and much cooler temperatures," Killbug stated, "is the increasing numbers of bed bugs seen wearing red scarves. Most unusual indeed."

Although Eastern Iowa homeowners have been calling exterminators in records numbers to rid their homes of these creepy crawlers, Killbug warned that they should also be super cautious when travelling. "Bed bugs infest not only the Roach Motel on Route 66, but many upscale, posh hotels. You have a 1 in 4 chance of spending the night with these nocturnal pests."

So, ladies if you're planning a night of fun and games at the local motel, consider the tradeoff: Sleeping-with-your-boyfriend-good vs. being bitten by bed bugs. It's your choice.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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