Update: First cats, now democracy - Wisconsin killing spree continues

Funny story written by Andy Lam

Thursday, 14 April 2005

image for Update: First cats, now democracy - Wisconsin killing spree continues
"Cats must die so birds can fly"

Madison, Wis. - The voters made their voice heard - "let us kill cats, let us stamp out these vermin." Now, however, Governor Jim Doyle has decided to stamp out democracy in the state by announcing that he will not allow cat hunting to continue.

"We in Wisconsin like being known as caring people," said Doyle, a Democrat who personally hates cats. "Right now though, people are laughing at us and that is really hurtful. Like most Wisconsinites, when push comes to shove, I back down; and believe me, there has been some pretty serious pushing going on in recent days."

In speaking with reporters, Doyle explained that his office had received calls from around the country opposing the hunting of feral cats. "See, we probably got like a thousand calls yesterday," said Doyle, fidgeting in his burgundy leather chair, "and most of them were from cat lovers. So me and my advisors got together and decided that the best thing to do would be to ignore the wishes of the voters and cave into mild external pressure."

Not all in the state subscribe to the Governor's particular brand of politics however. One member of the Wisconsin Conservation Congress, the public advisory group whose members support the plan, expressed disgust with the outcome. "What a pansy," said Leah "Bopper" Demers, a hunting guide from Eagle River. "I mean, who cares about these stupid cats anyway, obviously not their owners."

Demers explained that she would continue to lead cat hunting expeditions regardless of the Governor. "It's just like my favorite bumper sticker says, ‘You can have my gun when you pry it from my cold dead fingers'."

This sentiment is shared by a majority of Badger State outdoor enthusiasts. In a hastily organized rally, nearly seven thousand cat haters converged on the capitol, chanting and flinging fresh cat pelts at state officials.

One group of protesters, featuring a person dressed in a bird costume and two others dressed as cats, staged a guerilla theater performance to illustrate the impact wild cats are having on songbirds. As the bird tried to escape the vicious cats, a narrator explained that tens of millions of songbirds are killed by cats every year.

"Why is it," asked the narrator, "that so called animal rights groups support killing birds by the millions? It is because they are in the pocket of the global cat care industry!" A chant was then started that quickly spread through the crowd: "Cats must die so birds can fly."

Watching the crowd from the window of his opulent office, Governor Doyle appeared nervous. "Think, think," he repeated under his breath, "There's got to be a way to quash this thing. This whole democracy thing is for the damn birds."

The irony of these words was apparently lost on the Governor.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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