Larry King: "I'll step down, just as soon as someone tells me if this dress makes me look fat."
Larry King, who has hosted Larry King Live since the fall of the Roman Empire, has moved up the timetable for his retirement, and sources say that it is because he is losing his mental faculties.
Larry King was interviewed on The Glenn Beck show, where he appeared to be a little confused.
"I think Simon Cowell should take over my show," said King, while poking a kitten with a fork. "We can't be seen as doing business with a panda. You are a panda, arent you? I am going to retire early. Do you like spiders? They were out of Egg Nog. I'm a unicorn! Can I get a Gin Rickey here? Sure you can date my daughter, but make sure that she's home by 11, and hose her off this time, OK? Just two good old boys, never meaning no harm… "
Larry was asked about his recent divorce drama: "It's a weird story. Did you notice that Avatar had more shots of tree tops than 'Tree Tops, The Motion Picture?' My pet duck died, I have nothing to live for. General Tso's chicken and white rice, right? That'll be 20 minutes. Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. The part of Willie Loman will be played by Fred McMurray."
Glenn Beck stated that he didn't notice anything wrong with King during the interview. "Nah, he seemed fine to me. I mean, he did scribble the words 'vacuum cleaner' over and over on the bottom of his shoe, but other than that, he was great."
Larry tried to explain his behavior on his show the next night: "Why do people think there is something wrong with me? When I pee it smells like cheese puffs and Rockstar. If we don't deal with this now, soon little Gambol here won't be able to get a nickel for his grandma. Put a penny in the fusebox? I never thought of this. How many raffle tickets did you want? I have a Whitman's Sampler in my trunk. Gummi bears give my teeth ouchies. My wife's voice is like a broken hairdryer. Manah manah, do doo do do do."
He continued, "Wendy, Michael, come on, you can fly. You can FLY! Good meeting, everyone. BZZZZZZ! Biscuits are done! Do you smell pudding? I smell pudding. I'm the President of the United States. Get off my plane. Ooooh, a talking weasel. Can I combine coupons? My auction ends in 30 seconds, I;m bidding on a Hungry Hungry Hippoes game from 1977. I think the duckbilled platypus might benefit from a redesign. Throw me my keys. Y-M-C-A, it's fun to stay at the… Where do they sell tongue scrapers? Please hold for Fred Dibnah. Is Mr Belvedere available on DVD? "
Finally, "Gary Busey's teeth are huge! Maggie Gylenhall stores nuts in her cheeks. Is this Chicago? What's this stuff? Some cereal, its supposed to be good for you. Are you going to try it? Im not going to try it, you try it. I'm not going to try it. Let's get Mikey. He won't eat it, he hates everything. He liked it, hey Mikey. Can you help me move my couch?"
