President Bush nominates Paul Wolfowitz for Papacy

Funny story written by davoarid

Tuesday, 5 April 2005

image for President Bush nominates Paul Wolfowitz for Papacy
Above: Paul Wolfowitz, Bush's nominee for Pope

WASHINGTON- To the surprise of many Catholics around the world, George W. Bush announced his intentions to nominate Deputy Secretary of Defense Paul Wolfowitz to replace the recently deceased Pope John Paul II for the Papacy.

"Paul Wolfowitz is a kind and decent human being, full of compassion," President Bush said. "He is a man of good experience. If he can travel around the world as a diplomat, he can travel around the world as a Pope."

In a statement released Monday, Wolfowitz thanked the president for his trust, and vowed to proactively change the Papacy.

"I am humbled by this nomination. For too long this Papacy has been weak in the War on Terror. We need all the allies we can get in this global war on evil," Wolfowitz said. "As the Pope, I will gladly support President Bush's plans to defeat the terrorists."

While Wolfowitz is expected to be confirmed, his nomination has created some strife with political opponents.

Senator Patrick Leahy (D-VT) said, "This is yet another example of this administration's utter lack of concern for the rest of the world. I cannot imagine a more atrocious selection. And that is why I expect him to be confirmed."

"President Bush is once again sending the wrong message to the world," Senator John Kerry, a Catholic, said on Monday. "Wolfowitz was the chief architect of the Iraq War, and his career has been a series of miscalculated analyses and impudent improprieties."

Kerry also added, "Oh, and did I mention that he's a Jew?"

House Majority Leader Tom Delay (R-TX) criticized Kerry for his comments.

"That's the Democratic Party for you," Delay said from his condo in Florida. "They only support minorities if they're liberal minorities. We nominate Condi Rice, an African American, to be Secretary of State, and the Democrats oppose. We nominate Alberto Gonzales, a Hispanic man, to be Attorney General, and the Democrats oppose. And now they oppose Paul Wolfowitz for the Papacy because he is Jewish. Is anyone surprised?"

Paul Wolfowitz, if confirmed, would be the first Jewish Pope in the history of the Catholic Church. A vote for his confirmation is expected sometime early next week.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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