Written by Noddy Bigears

Wednesday, 23 March 2005

image for FBI Recruits "School Shooters" for the Matrix Reloaded Metal Spider Attack 5 ‘Who's The Next One'
'The Next One' Will Fire Thousands Of Rounds To Kill Each Metal Spider

The Federal Bureau of Investigation has started a massive recruitment drive for ‘school shooters'. The FBI has had a lacklustre performance over the last few years and is considered responsible for letting several acts of terrorism go ahead unchecked including the devastating machine attack in New York in 2001. Often the agents have been caught with their pants down, or failed to get high grades in Arabic machine code leading to severe misunderstandings when using telephone taps on established terrorist cells and the agents actually making up the translations or were unable to write machine code.

The FBI are especially concerned that they do not have the resources available to deal with the return of the machines and will require huge numbers of more gun totting maniacs to spray thousands of high explosive rounds at the metal spiders that fly out of the sky.

The school shooters will also be further trained to perfection to infiltrate the machine terrorist networks and cells and once into the social structure of these organizations, blast the machine terrorists to pieces in a frenzy of gun fire. These fanatics will also be available for international missions and can be dropped in any "machine terrorist" no-go zone as they combat until they drop dead.

Historically, the FBI has been blind to using its home grown social capital. These individuals are easily developed in a very low cost poverty home environment widely available across the US. The FBI found that the families of top scoring student assailants tended to exhibit six common traits. They included a totally distorted family group dynamics, controlling parent-child relationship, the encouragement of pathological behavior, lack of emotional intimacy, 24/7 access of TV or Internet use, access to high performance weapons and an excessive consumption of fatty foods with E numbers.

The FBI found other personal traits that indicate ‘The Next One' include the ability to fly the internet through numerous highly dangerous unsupervised sites and communicate in machine code as well as the ability to dodge bullets at the speed of sound whilst firing their own automatic weapons.

However, the FBI study reported perfect identification of ‘The Next One' by profile was difficult and it is not impossible to include non-functional student assailants and they quoted: "media lists can end up with the majority of nonviolent students as potentially dangerous or even as lethal as ‘The Next One'. In fact, a great many adolescents who will never be capable as violent actors will copy some of the behaviors or personality traits of ‘The Next One'." However, the FBI concluded "There is no evidence in the US that a distorted social capital, systematic alienation and discrimination of individuals and groups nor racism over generations will make any contribution to developing ‘The Next One'."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Terrorism, School

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