Written by susan allen-rosario

Tuesday, 19 October 2004

image for Illinois Tibia Bandit Strikes in Maine
Have you seen us?

Battle Creek, Maine - Citizens of the small city of Battle Creek wrote to us to complain after a local milk carton distributor placed pictures of several missing legs on their milk cartons, with the question, "Have you seen us?" Milk company officials told reporters that they were acting in the best interest of the public, after a rash of leg thefts plaqued their community.

"These people are in dire straits and they just want their legs back, and we wanted to do everything in our power to help them," they said.

Apparently some very strange crimes have been committed in Battle Creek, and police are baffled. Mark Fullofit, a resident of Battle Creek told reporters, "I went to bed with my legs and woke up without them. It just doesn't make any sense, who would want my legs? I didn't even find them attractive."

Another resident stated that he fell asleep on his couch, watching television, and when he woke up, his legs were gone. "I was just having a couch potato day, watching the game on TV, and I woke up, half the spud I use to be," he said.

Detectives say they have no motive or suspects in the crimes. "We are getting some help, however, from the Illinois State police, who had a string of similar thefts, several years ago in their state. In the Illinois cases, the MO was the same; people went to sleep and woke up hours later, to find their legs missing."

Law enforcement officers working on the case there nicknamed the perpetrator of the crimes, "The Illinois Tibia Bandit." (Tibia referring to the bone between the knee and ankle.) No charges were ever filed in the Illinois cases but police believe they had a few good leads, yet, not enough evidence to make a case that would hold up in court.

"We had two suspects we liked for the crimes, but not enough evidence to charge them. One man was a disgruntled former hosiery employee, recently fired from his job making pantyhose at the Leggs Company."

"This guy was labeled as having ‘homicidal tendencies' by a work place psychiatrist before he was discharged. He definitely had an ax to grind. The other man was a diagnosed psychopath with a ‘foot' fetish, who went completely over the edge, after his favorite grandparent died from a terminal case of athletes foot."

"Maybe this time we'll get our man," police said.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: missing, Milk

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