Written by Harry Porter

Thursday, 21 October 2004

image for 'The End is Nigh' say Rumpologists
The President relaxes with a game of tennis.

George W Bush was always going to narrowly win a second term in office - that was the message in the President's posterior.

The International Rally of Rumpologists, held recently in the Delmer Hotel, Dublin, was told that a small crease beneath the left buttock of the President was sign enough that his Republican tooshie would be staying put in the White House.

The art of rumpology - divining the future from the tell-tale signs in an individual's caboose - has had its believers since Egyptian times, though modern science remains sceptical of these sit-upon studies.

Dublin's keister convention brought together the world's foremost patoot practitioners and the outcome of the 2004 election was just one of the many startling rear revelations made over the three-day event.

Professor Conrad Melvin, who brought rumpology into the headlines as Roseanne Barr's traumatised personal consultant, headed a three-man team examining every swing, sashay, stalk, step, strut and swagger of the two candidates during the campaign. And the findings showed Senator John Kerry was letting his rival wriggle away.

"The senator's body posture and rear curvature indicated that this was not his time," said the Professor, "while that distinctive crease on the President indicated yet another narrow victory."

That conclusion, he added, also had an impact on many millions of ordinary people with the study showing an unnatural volume of buttock clenching both in America and abroad over what the years ahead might bring.

However, politics wasn't the only subject laid bare by the botty brigade.

Actress Jennifer Lopez's rumpologist, Francois Pegerka, predicted much happiness for the stunning star though he doubted it would be as great as the privilege he felt in his daily analysis of her bountiful bombosity.

Singer Beyonce's future looked equally bright, according to her personal consultant, Sigmund Rukowsky. He gave a highly insightful talk on his demanding work as a celebrity rumpologist, having previously worked for Kylie Minogue's demanding keel prior to its much-publicised retirement.

The address was well received by the gathering, which obviously felt a great deal of compassion for the speaker's onset of blindness.

Even the world of sport has taken heed of the heinie horoscopes. Tennis ace Serena Williams actually had her own personal rumpologist with her during the US Open whose duty it was to predict the scores every time she changed ends.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Go to top
54 readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more