Zogby Poll Admits: We Were Trying To Let Bush Down Easy

Funny story written by Special Agent Love

Monday, 4 October 2004

image for Zogby Poll Admits: We Were Trying To Let Bush Down Easy
Manipulating the polls

In a press release today Rebecca (Beckaroo) Wittman, Vice President, Managing Editor of Zogby International admitted to manipulating the numbers on certain Zogby presidential polls. Wittman said that full disclosure would be forthcoming and that the reason for the skewed polls was that her boss John Zogby wanted to let his friend, President George W. Bush, down easy from his actual rock bottom numbers.

We spoke with John (Zogman) Zogby after the press conference and he told us, "I wouldn't say it has been a conspiracy to keep the President uninformed about his all but certain upcoming loss in November. I just knew it would break him, as a man, if he knew the country had turned it's back on him. I couldn't do it!"

It seems that Zogby has been pulling polling strings around the globe since November of last year and keeping the race close on all polling fronts. It wasn't until Billy (FourEyes) Markerson, a 14 year old student and self described computer nerd from Hayouville, Kentucky, did a bit of research polling on his own, when he smelled a rat and helped this conspiracy come to light.

Billy, a huge Zogby fan, made over 10,000 phone calls to a mix of people across the country and found that 99% of the people he spoke with wanted to string up Bush like a cattle-thieving outlaw. Not hardly the 51 -49 split that Zogby had been claiming.

Billy emailed his results to Zogby along with the message, "Dude! What gives? I'm like your biggest fan, but Dude, you're spewin' chunks on these polls! Are you the man or what?"

It seems that Billy's note struck another kind of note with John Zogby. He told us that it was Billy's note that made him realize that he wasn't helping his friend, he was hurting America. That's when he had Rebecca call the press conference and tell the world what a loser GWB is going to be.

When reached for comment, John Kerry would only say, "I knew it! I knew those polls were bullshit!" President Bush has been unavailable for comment. We finally tracked down and confronted Condi Rice, who said, "The President is looking into these awful rumors and wants the American people to know that his campaign is as on track as the war in Iraq is."

In these days of SwiftBoat Veterans, 527's, Dan Rather and unconfirmed documents, it just seems amazing, to this reporter, the heart it mush have taken for John Zogby to spare his good friend from such horrible news. But even more amazing was, that when confronted with the truth, Zogby admitted it, and for the respect of a fan. America at her finest.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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