Man Jailed For Beating Girlfriend With Alligator

Funny story written by Rebut

Saturday, 11 September 2004

image for Man Jailed For Beating Girlfriend With Alligator
David and Nancy in happier times

Daytona Beach - A man who swung an alligator at his girlfriend during a fight has been jailed for 6 months. One wonders of course if he really did it or were these just alligations?

David Havenner, 41, pleaded no contest to misdemeanor charges of battery, and wait for it, possession of an alligator. Thankfully he was spared 'pointing a loaded gator'. Don't laugh, what with all the beer bottles lying around the gator could well have been loaded.

Seems to me that Havenner approached his whole defense in the wrong way. Surely a jury trial was the order of the day. Of course nobody wearing alligator shoes to be selected for jury duty for obvious reasons.

"Members of the jury my client denies swinging an alligator at the lady. Indeed it was more a case of my client giving the reptile a wash and polish. While he was cleaning it, the alligator went off!"

The victim Nancy Monico told investigators that Havenner beat her with fists, then grabbed the gator, which he swung at her as she tried to escape. The gator struck her at least once. Well there you go, sounds like the gator was in need of charging as well.

Havenner then threw beer bottles at her and kicked her out of their mobile home. No! I was shocked to read this part. I mean what were the chances that Dave and Nancy were living in a mobile home?

Anyone? Of course not, this is the kind of couple you'd find living in a cluster or a condo with private security, secluded pool and tennis court. I'd imagined Dave working as a financial analyst and Nancy entertaining clients or could be found doing charity work.

The alligator being a novelty pet kept to entertain their jet-set friends. When the Kennedys pop in for tea and scones "Cuthbert" would be found playing with the kids on the lawn under the watchful eye of a game warden.

Turns out the closest ol' Cuthbert has been to kids are the ones on the milk cartons marked : "Have you seen Mary Lou?"...but I digress.

Anyhow Havenner told investigators that Nancy had bit his hand because they had run out of alcohol. This leads me to believe, reluctantly, that Dave and Nancy are not jet-setters after all.

Her mom should have told her never to bite the hand that feeds her, even if feeding takes place in a mobile home with a homicidal alligator.

Wildlife commission officials confirm that the alligator was released into the St Johns River. It was felt that this was for the best as the last one they dumped in the Chicago River was crapped on by the Dave Matthews Band.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more