Arlen Specter Announces His Defection From the Human Race

Funny story written by Sean Fenley

Saturday, 14 November 2009

Today Senator Arlen Specter formerly of the great state of Pennsylvania, Earth, the United States, announced his permanent removal from the ranks of global citizens, homo sapiens, and residents of the red-blooded patriotic U.S. of A. Senator Lindsey Graham of South Carolina, commenting on Specter's extrication from the greater human community had this to say, "We in the red states always knew there was something different about Arlen, now that the truth is out and we know that Arlen is a star child, a product of the galactic nether worlds, we can surely put that baby to rest." In explaining what led up to his decision, the post-human senator, Specter, stated, "Increasingly the philosophy of the whole of humanity is becoming extreme, and out of step with nearly my entire system of thought. I realized it was time to out myself as a little green person, and not a natural born resident of this, the third planet from this solar system's great sun."

Vice President Biden credited his fortitude and encouragement with having inspired Specter to divulge that he was not really a part of the wider human-oid/-esque family (and actually more of an intergalactic neighbor/fellow traveler/hitchhiker/space brother and/or friend). "It's been a long time coming really", said Biden. "They don't call me the third senator from Pennsylvania for naught! I knew that Arlen wasn't from Scranton, or any place else in my boyhood state, he had to have come from the ether, sent to us by the cosmos, the heavens above." Barack Obama added, "It was important to have intelligent non-human biological entities in the United States Senate, and he'd be looking forward to working on health care reform and other critically important issues to the American people, with the ex-human senator in the days to come." A spokesman for the beltway lobbying group AIPAC (American Israel Public Affairs Committee) said this, about the senior Senator's defection, "As long as he's with Israel, first and foremost [before the United States] we don't care if he's from Venus and has purple polka dots all over his face."

Obama, in concluding his comments on Specter's admission, stated, "This is what we're talking about when we're talking about change, not only changing policy and national priorities and prerogatives, but changing the composition of the U.S. Senate so that it more accurately reflects the diverse array of characteristics that make up that which is the essence of the citizenry of this vast and great union of states." Senator Mitch McConnell, the distinguished Republican minority leader in the United States Senate, also in attendance at the bipartisan event, made the following remarks, "Arlen being a Klingon, or whatever the hell he is, will, of course, never be able to attain the high office of the President of the United States; we in Washington, however, look forward to having him continue to serve the American oligarchy er people in the venerable Congress of these unparalleled and miraculous, even sublimely important, impenetrable fifty states."

Although Specter is not a human, or a native of our picturesque, but tiny blue world (his home gaseous giant is three to four times as large!); he is expected to be backed by the President and Vice President in the forthcoming Pennsylvania Democratic Primary affair. Specter's unprecedented Presidential and Vice Presidential support, is expected to immunize the Senior Senator from any and all expected challengers along the way (presumably en route to his umpteenth re-election in a Soviet-style 'campaign'); and will undoubtedly nullify the will (if not the intent also) of the voters of the illustriousness and eminently respected Keystone State; all the while, all of this same old Washington, Machiavellian, behind closed doors 'hardball' takes shape.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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