Knockbridge,TN.-Homesteaders in this small Appalachian town got a welcome surprise this weekend when copies of the 1990 page Health Care Reform Bill started arriving at homes across the country via the delivery service, Federal Distress.
"Woo wee! Looket all that paper!" exclaimed Cooter Holland as he took the parcel to the two seater outhouse 'round back. "Now I'm set for the winter!". "Nice an' soft too!" added his neighbor, Anna Maria.
Back in Washington, House Speaker, Nancy Pelosi, was outraged that people were using the carefully crafted bill as toilet paper. "The ingrates! Don't they know we're trying to help them. I didn't spend all summer on this thing so it could end up in a latrine!"
The mountain folk here were just as surprised at her reaction. "Shoot! We didn't mean anything by it.", Cooter said, when asked to comment on Ms. Pelosi's words. "I'm sure there's some mighty fine words in that there document, but ever since they stopped publishiun' dat Seeeer's Rawbuck Catalog we just haven't had a decent supply of outhouse material, if you know what I mean."
"Newspapers such as the New York Tribune or Chicago Times are hard and scratchy," added Anna, "and besides, they don't feel very good either." Neither Cooter nor Anna have much use for the health care bill itself.
"If you're plagued by a haint, you ain't covered. If someone casts a spell on ya, you ain't covered." said Cooter. "And there ain't no provision for purchasing the herbs you need iffen you have a fever." Anna added.
Despite their differences with the house speaker, they did have a request for Ms. Pelosi: "If she could, would she send us some copies of that there Cap 'n Trade bill? We hear it's a doosey!"
