Boston [July 28] --- DNC spokesperson Marge O'Kane has confirmed that, if elected, President John Kerry will allow former president Jimmy Carter and volunteers for Habitat for Humanity to "have a go" at modernizing parts of the White House. "I don't think that some of the place meets code," the presumptive nominee said.
"Teresa has seen the kitchen and says that it probably goes back to the Coolidge administration. If Jimmy could work on that area, I guess you could call it a cabinet position," said Kerry wryly. Then, with a faraway look, he added that, "Teresa loves kitchens. She loves her family. She loves people. She loves life. She loves condiments."
The idea was greeted with enthusiasm. "I wish we would have thought of this while I was in there," stated former president Bill Clinton with a faraway look. "I could have used a couple of extra rooms myself --- maybe someplace where I could have gone off and smoked some cigars."
Carter himself played down expectations for any quick fixes. "In a few months, I will, God willing, enter my 81st year of my life," said the former president. "So if they think we're gonna move like those idiots on Extreme Makeover or While You Were Out, well, no way. You can't be a Habitat for Humanity president one day and claim to be a Trading Spaces president the next, depending on the latest Nielsens."
Still, he wouldn't turn away an offer of help from some of the people on those shows. "I've looked on a lot of women with lust, particularly ones who know how to swing a hammer. Now, that Paige Davis and Amy Wynn, they're pretty hot but, well, there'll never be another JoAnne Liebeler," Carter said, with a faraway look. "But Hildi?" His stare suddenly iced over. "I wouldn't let Hildi onto Pennsylvania Avenue let alone inside the White House. She's just f****** nuts."
As he was packing up his toolbox, Carter also dismissed a reporter's joke that, with a new administration, former president Bush might have time on his hands and want to sign on as a volunteer. "Son, that man can't even ride a bicycle downhill without falling off. Would you want him standing anywhere near you with a 3/8-inch variable speed drill in his hand?"
[Ed. note: JoAnne Liebeler is the former co-host of Hometime and current host of Home Savvy.]
