Grandma Lee Livid, Says She's Quitting Show Business

Funny story written by Abel Rodriguez

Saturday, 19 September 2009


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image for Grandma Lee Livid, Says She's Quitting Show Business
Grandma Lee photographed in her America's Got Talent dressing room (Note that she is not wearing any makeup at all).

HOLLYWOOD - Less than 24 hours after Grandma Lee lost to Kevin Skinner and Barbara Padilla on America's Got Talent, the Jacksonville, Florida grandmother has said that she is quitting show business.

Speaking from her room at The Sisters of St. Celluloid Hospital in Hollywood Grandma Lee confessed that after coming in third in the America's Got Talent competition she has really fallen into a state of depression (and no she added that she did not mean Michigan).

Grandma Lee is in the hospital due to an altercation that she had with a security guard from the America's Got Talent TV Show.

It seems that while trying to break up a backstage argument between Grandma Lee and Susan Boyle the security guard was forced to pepper spray the 75-year-old grandmother when she swung a golf club at him striking him in his lower crotch region.

The security guard did not want his name revealed, but Larry King disclosed that his name is Wilbur F. Sockdoolie, 38, and that he resides at 1598 Papaya Place next to El Taco Chingon Restaurant in El Monte, California.

Grandma Lee remarked that in between dabbing the tears from her eyes and the (blank) from her nose that she feels that she has reached a point in her life where she will completely give up talking not to mention cracking vulgar-themed jokes.

She said that she was so sure that she was going to win that she had gone out and bought a brand new Kia Spectra for one of her granddaughters and a brand new Harley-Davidson for one of her daughters-in-law.

Grandma Lee said that now, both the effen car and the effen motorcycle will have to effen go back.

America's Got Talent judge Sharon Osbourne visited Grandma Lee in her hospital room. And Grandma Lee confessed to her that she has decided to end her show business career.

Osbourne looked at her with one hell of a puzzled look on her face and asked, "Excuse me Mrs. but aren't you supposed to be in show business before you can actually get out of show business?"

The Florida grandmother became quite agitated and asked Osbourne if she was calling her a liar.

Mrs. Osbourne replied that how in the world did she construe what she had said as possibly being a lie.

Grandma Lee then asked her if she was making fun of her age?"

Ozzy's wife replied that she wasn't. Grandma Lee pooched out her lips, grinded her dentures and then asked, "So then I guess you're making fun of my hair?

"Bingo!" Mrs. Osbourne hollered out. She then got in Grandma Lee's face and reminded her that out of all the judges she was the only one who genuinely liked her.

The Jacksonville native retorted that Piers (Morgan) and David (Hasselhoff) both liked her. Osbourne shot back that they only liked her because they enjoyed watching her make an absolute ass of herself.

Mrs. Osbourne then told Granny Lee that truth be told, she really and truly looked more like she was 95 instead of 75.

Grandma Lee sat up in her bed and shouted at Sharon that at least her twangers (boobs) were both natural.

Osbourne poked her finger in Grandma Lee's waist and said, "I'll say they're natural, they naturally hang down to your bikini line, which is a visual that I would rather not visualize, thank you.

Just then Nick Cannon, the show's host walked into her room. Sharon asked him if he knew that Grandma Lee had decided to quit show business. Nick smiled and told the grandmother from the Sunshine State, that it was about damn time.

Grandma Lee's dentist, Dr. Abner Foxington told CNN that the real reason that she is not going to pursue her lifelong career goal is because she knows that she would be playing in little, smoke-filled comedy clubs throughout America and she is allergic to smoke, alcohol, swizzle sticks, olives, and heckling.

Her dentist also said that off the record, Grandma Lee has a little problem with peeing and not knowing that she has in fact feed until someone points it out to her.

In other developing news. Governor Mark Sanford of South Carolina is seriously contemplating resigning as governor of South Carolina and running for president of Argentina.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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