Ronkonkoma, NY - Responding to complaints from dedicated dieters, the Atkins Center has asked several religious denominations and various Christian sects to reform the holy sacraments.
The typical communion "meal" consists of a small unleavened wafer and approximately an ounce of wine or grape juice. Disgruntled Christians are caught in a conundrum; partake of the Lord's Supper and blow the CCLL (Critical Carbohydrate Level for Losing) curve, or risk eternal damnation by forsaking the weekly call to the Table.
One churchgoer, Janine Simmons of Plainfield, NJ, suggested that it was time for churches to "get with it". Simmons stated, "Back in the Bible days people had to walk everywhere or ride a camel, that burned tons of calories so eating or ‘partaking' of carbs was okay. They had stamina." Things have changed notes the 42-year-old mother of two, "Now I get winded when the elevator is out, and I live on the first floor. Atkins changed my life, I still can't breathe very well on hot days but I've lost twenty pounds in three weeks! That's damn near a divine miracle."
Steve Kabak, president and C.O.O. of the Adkins Center got quite serious in Monday's press conference while discussing the issue of pressing change on the nearly two-thousand year old Christian practice. "Carb setbacks," as Kabak calls them, "are devastating. The Atkins Diet has people packing down literally pounds of dangerously high-cholesterol foods with the understanding that very few carbohydrates will be ingested. For all of the carbo-loading that goes on during communion, you might as well move to Wisconsin and down bratwurst on non-Atkins approved hoagie rolls."
Seeking to mediate the public debate, officials with the tradition-bucking Episcopal Church asked both sides to make concessions. On one hand, they offered serious dieters the more carb-friendly South Beach alternative. For those that could not abide by leaving the Atkins' faith, one bishop suggested that services be held at local Barnhills Buffets where meat selection is plentiful. "We just want to be liked," stated the Episcopal bishop.
When reached for a statement for this story, many of the serious churches rebuffed any Atkins inspired changes. The spokesperson for the Pope however did comment that John Paul II "does enjoy a good sausage."
Ideological battles remain in the minds of many Atkins acolytes. For now it seems though that the bitter pill will have to be swallowed with the over ripened grapes of carbo-wrath.
