HOLLYWOOD HILLS - Actress Lindsay Lohan last week made a statement to the LAPD that someone had broken into her home and stolen her safe, a safe weighing 3,591 pounds.
When Miss Lohan was asked by LAPD Detective Hank Battlecreek what the contents of the safe were she checked her cell phone notepad and said that the safe contained a Bianchello Episcopini ladies wristwatch valued at $6,000, a Cinderella nose ring valued at $993, a Cat Got Your Tongue Tongue Stud which retails for $414, and a vaginal lip ring valued at $32.
She then mentioned that the safe also contained $2 million in jewels that were on loan from the Beverly Hills Jewelry Store Rich Bitches & Their Riches.
When Detective Battlecreek asked her why her vaginal ring was so much cheaper than the other rings she replied that she had bought the nose ring and the tongue stud herself, but that the V-ring had been a birthday gift from Samantha Ronson her kinda strapped for money ex-boyfriend.
Detective Battlecreek asked Lohan why they called her LiLo. She said that Ryan Seacrest had taken the first two letters of her first name and combined them with the first two letters of her last name.
She then told him that Li and Lo when put together spelled LiLo. Lohan then told the detective that he would be HaBa. Detective Battlecreek took a puff from his Raleigh and said, "Cute."
He then asked her if she was absolutely certain that she hadn't placed the missing items somewhere else other than in the safe; like maybe underneath her bed.
"I know that I put everything in the safe because I remember putting everything in the safe."
"Well I think I'm positive. But you know, now that I think about it, I might not be as completely positive as I think I am. And you know it's not because I drink. Its because I work hard and I'm always tired and I cannot be you know, 100 percent certain since I hardly drink except once in a black moon, I mean blue moon when I do drink."
"You work hard?"
The detective then mentioned that she hadn't made a movie in two years. And from what he reads in the tabloids, the only work she does is when she runs her mouth off about Ronald (Ronson) looking like that British chick Amy Winecellar (Winehouse).
Battlecreek then told Lohan to go look in her room. She turned to walk towards her room and the detective followed her.
When she got to her room, he told her to look under her bed. Lilo was wearing a pair of extremely short shorts that came pretty close to showing what she had, had for breakfast. And as she bent down Detective Battlecreek got a damn good look at her private evidence (rumpasini delectasini).
She got down on the plush pink carpet, raised the lavender bedspread, and took a look underneath the early sequoia canopy bed.
She found a tin box that contained all of the missing items; including the $2 million in jewels.
Detective Battlecreek told her to immediately call her insurance company and report that she had found the $2 million worth of jewels plus the other items.
The detective then got a call and he told Lohan that he had to leave. She asked him if he could drive her to return the $2 million worth of jewels to the jewelry shop.
He replied that he couldn't. He said he had to leave because there was a report of someone disturbing the peace over in Tarzana.
It seems that a certain celebrity named Gilbert Gottfried was in his backyard cooking hot dogs and he was talking to his gardener in a very loud, annoying, irritating voice. He said that it was the fifth time in the past 30 days that his neighbors had complained.
Lohan smiled and said "Don't you just hate those stuck up, conceited, flaky, fruity, nutty celebrity types?"
"Ahh, you have a good day ma'am."
SIDENOTE: Lindsay was so nervous about having the $2 million in jewels in her possession that she decided that she would put them in her underwear for safe transporting to the jewelry store. All the jewels immediately fell out. She was confused until she noticed that she was wearing a pair of string bikini thongs. She ended up having to borrow a pair of size 18 'grannies' (humongous panties) from her astoundingly overweight maid Hoselle Crickington.