Written by Abel Rodriguez

Friday, 31 July 2009

image for Arizona Needs Money Real Real Bad!
Downtown Yuma, Arizona during the noon rush hour.

PHOENIX - Arizona legislators have stated that the state is in such a horribly financial state that they may be forced to sell off the house and senate buildings.

A spokesperson for Governor Jan Brewer, Florian Farmerswood, said that the state of Arizona is currently $3.4 billion in debt.

He added that the Grand Canyon State has already borrowed over $30 million from three international banks, including Shanghai's Bank of Rice, The Nairobi Federated Bank of Lion Poachers, and London's Laughing All The Way To The Bank.

The governor is so desperate that she is seriously thinking about selling off state owned hospitals, office buildings, fairgrounds, prisons, The Senator John McCain Museum, and the Navaho teepee where Wayne Newton's great grandfather Running Tonsils was born.

Arizona is the only state in the union that does not observe Daylight Savings Time. State Senator John McCain has spoken with President Obama and they have agreed that if Arizona relents and begins to observe DST that the U.S. government will send them a cashier's check for $2 million.

Senator McCain, who spent five and a half years as a prisoner of war in a North Vietnamese prison said that he has suggested to the governor that she consider selling Interstate Highways 8, 10, and 17.

The senator even said that his wife Cindy had suggested to him that they look into the possibility of perhaps selling off the towns of Patagonia, Flagstaff, and Tombstone.

Regarding Arizona's professional sports teams two have already stated that they will be leaving the state. The NFL's Arizona Cardinals will become the Corpus Christi Cardinals.

And The Major League Baseball Arizona Diamondbacks will either become the Walla Walla Diamondbacks or the Delaware Diamondbacks.

Governor Brewer recently spoke to Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arapaho. Sheriff Joe, as he is called by Arizonians and Ukrainians is famous for dressing his prisoners in pink jumpsuits, pink underwear, pink socks, and pink house shoes.

He told the governor that he will implement a new policy that will save the taxpayers of Arizona millions of tax dollars a year.

Sheriff Joe, as his maternal grandfather Bucky Badwater, III, calls him, will be doing away completely with the prisoners' jumpsuits, underwear, socks, and house shoes.

The Master of the Maricopa County Jail says that effective, August 15, all of the convicts in his jails will all be completely naked.

And he stressed that just in case two or 17 get any funny libidoesque ideas, he will also implement a new policy that if any inmate touches another one (even on the elbow) the 'toucher' will be tasered repeatedly for a period not to exceed two hours.

The governor expressed to Sheriff Joey, as Arizona native Linda Ronstadt, calls him that she did not approve of his method at all.

Sheriff Joe replied that he did not give one flying F what she thought because he is Sheriff Joe Arapaho and he will be running his jail the way that he sees fit.

"I don't think so dude." The governor replied.

"Well then I suggest that you better think again beeach. And if you still don't think so...then by all means go ahead and take another think.

"Sheriff Arapaho I do not think that you can talk to me that way sir."

"Well there you go thinking again govy."

Talano Bibbage, who manages the Arizona-based band Jimmy Eat World say that he is putting together a charity concert of performers who are all from Arizona. He said that all of the proceeds from the Labor Day concert will be donated to the state of Arizona.

Babbage is calling the concert A Night of Musical Music in Yummy Yuma. The performers include Jimmy Eat World, Stevie Nicks, Alice Cooper, Cactus Jack & The Prickly Pear-Eating Mescalero Apache Band, Linda Ronstadt, and Mark Lindsay former lead singer with Paul Revere and The Raiders.

As of noon today, TicketMasterful had reported that they had already sold 17 tickets. They said that there are still about 79,983 tickets left. Tickets are priced at $89.98 and $137.39.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Arizona, Sheriff Joe




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