America's Got Talent Shocker: Kari Callen and 9-Year-Old Guitarist Sent Home

Funny story written by Abel Rodriguez

Wednesday, 29 July 2009

image for America's Got Talent Shocker: Kari Callen and 9-Year-Old Guitarist Sent Home
Kari Callen auditioning to be the singer in The Morning Drizzle Room at Seattle's Hotel Chicken Cordon Bleu.

HOLLYWOOD - Two of the America's Got Talent contestants who many felt would at least make it into the Top Ten have been eliminated.

The middle-aged Seattle singer Kari Callen who was born with a bio-lateral lip cleft and palate has fallen by the wayside.

Judge Piers Morgan said that she just did not have that special 'Uumfp' factor that today's female singers need to possess.

Kari asked Morgan if he turned her down because she performed wearing flip flops.

"Of course not."

"Was it my wrinkled red sweater?"


"Then was it my old looking blue jeans."

"Yes, Kari. I'm afraid it was your old looking blue jeans?"


"No! Of course not!"

Sharon tried to comfort her by saying that she knows the captain of the cruise ship, The SS Sultry Siren of The Sea, and that she would put in a good word for her.

Judge Hasselhoff told her not to give up on her lifelong dream. He said that dreams can come true. He then added that in her case they might not.

But he did say that who knows one day we may see her singing on The USS Montana.

America's got talent host Nick Cannon told Kari that his wife (Mariah Carey) liked her and said that she wanted to wish her the best and she asked Nick to give her a $500 gift certificate to Victoria's Secret.

And little 9-year-old guitar virtuoso Tallan Noble Latz of Elkhorn, Wisconsin, was totally shocked when he found out that he had been eliminated. "Dammit!" He shouted. "I'm good. I'm real good and I'm only 9."

David told him to cheer up because he knew that he will be successful.

"Thank you Mr. Hasselhoff."

Piers said that at nine he could already play better than most guitar players twice his age.

"Thank you Mr. Morgan."

And Sharon told him to cheer up.

"Thank you Mrs Osbourne. But I have to say that I think what hurt me and got me kicked off the show was your damn cigarette and beer remark."

"Really now."

"Yes. I attribute my loss to the fact that you made it sound as if I smoked cigarettes and drank beer."

"Well little Tallan, I do apologize. I am sorry."

"Yeah, I know you're sorry. And one more thing before I not ever try and touch my crotch area again you old Cloris Leachman lookalike."

"I never touched you, you mangy little SOB. But I tell you what if I get my hands on you right now, I'll take a belt to ya and show you the difference between your crotch area and your ungrateful little ass!"

Piers and David laughed. Nick told Sharon that her husband Ozzy had arrived to pick her up.

Nick walked over to little Tallan, put his arm around him, and told him to keep his chin up and that something good would come out of all of this.

"Really. Mr. Cannon?"

"Really little fella."

"Okay, then do you think that I can go out with your wife?"

"Why you scrawny little disrespectful piece-of-poodle poop. Go on get the hell out of Dodge and I mean pronto."

SIDENOTE: There is as yet an unconfirmed rumor that Adam Lambert has already asked Tallan to join his band.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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